Baz against the legion of doom.

I’m not racist but….

2008-05-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

I love when people say completely contradictory things, but justify it by pandering at the beginning of the sentence to anyone who they perceive to have liberal views in the area.

That’s right, I’m not going to pontificate today my disciples of metal… today we are covering the shit I deem not metal. And I mean I really don’t think this shit it metal…fuck its not even macramé. To get me in the high and mighty mood I have just ensued Backbone off from Mars to Sirius.

As the title suggests, sentences that start with ‘I’m not “X” BUT…”X” ’ (where X is value of both the suggested ‘not’ value at the beginning of the sentence, and is in fact the underlying theme in the sentence.) really make me both laugh and die a little inside. They are guaranteed to be about something that is controversial, and something that modern society in all its diseased mediated wisdom has deemed to be ‘bad’ for bad I have compiled a short list of things that often appear in ‘I’m not “X” BUT… “X”’:

Sexism.
Anti-Environmentalism.
Racism.
Sociopliticisim.
Evangelism.
Atheism.
Economisim.
Homophobia (oh its not an isim!)

As you can see this is a very ‘Isim’ oriented list… well the plain and simple truth is that people love to bash isim’s. The heart of the matter in this one lies in the preposition for people to get afraid that they will be labelled un-PC by voicing their opinions with what I like to call the ‘disclaimer’ clause.

Unfortunately the idea of a disclaimer has been take for the proverbial ride in this case, because very often a person will utter a disclaimer and then launch into a line of reasoning very much like what they have just clamed not to be. Moments ago I heard a colleague utter the fateful ‘ I’m not racist but…’ I’m not going to go through what they said, but it was very racial judgment oriented.

The rise of the term P.C. has caused people to fear voicing strong opinions, and before I go any further I will preface my argument by say these two things:

1) Racism, Homophobia, Sexism, Socio-economisim, Evangelism and pretty much every other isim that’s up there other than atheism (I will cover that in a sec) are SO NOT FUCKING METAL I don’t have enough words to cover it, so if it sounds like I’m endorsing what a persons saying, I’m not, I’m endorsing their right to say it not the content. Free speech is that, whether YOU like it or NOT. So this leads me to…
2) I play devils advocate, you should know this by now, I will argue because I can and because I spent three years in Philosophy papers arguing shit I didn’t care about in the slightest. So if I say something to the effect of ‘People shouldn’t be afraid to voice their opinions’ or ‘PC has got people scared about having extreme opinions’ I mean that P.C. has kind of gone about things the wrong way. I think people should be proud to voice their opinions, I mean that, I also accept that I will hear things I don’t like and will probably piss me off… were not quite at enlightenment yet… most of us that is, one day maybe, and I sincerely hope that more and more people are not being brought up or indoctrinating themselves into these horrible thoughts forms etc…
2b) to further the PC discussion, great idea, but what its gone and done is made people who have these er… misguided views more secretive about them, as well as creating the situation of ‘disclaimer statements’. What I’m saying it’s a preventative thing not a cure, or a quasi fix in my vernacular.

So I’m going to start the actual proper part of my blog by saying this: ‘If you have to preface a statement with “I’m not X… But” then you know dam well that you are X and are in a vain attempt at social graces justifying it to yourself, and trying not to make it sound quite as bad as it probably is!’

There I said it. I am not saying I’m perfect, I have my vices and my attitudes that some would no doubt describe as ‘not metal’ but on the whole I try to see the good in every one. That includes Gay people, Women, People of a different race, Colour, Creed… shit even right wing jerk offs (it’s a proper term honest :P) but the long and the short of it is this, if you have to say something like that then you dam well are going to be that. Its not excusable. If you have an opinion state it, if it stands it will, if its and EPIC FAIL, then you will be scorned. Grow a pair (women have ovaries, they come in pairs, Transgender people had ovaries of testiest therefore the spirit of the pair remains on etc) and just state your fucking opinion!

This is all part of a wider campaign I instituted around the turn of the year, which was about cleaning up extraneous language I use and speaking… well for lack iof a better term ‘tr00’ and when you don’t feel the need to then don’t say anything at all. Cut and dry, black and white, night and day I know, and I appreciate that life is all about the shades of grey, but the more conscious you become of what you say, the better I feel you come to be at communicating and frankly the less your delude yourself as to who you are.
Now I may be wrong but I figured self realization (whatever that means for you, be it the Buddhist sense, the blood drinking ‘im a vampire etc…RPG’ sense, I am the dark god etc I don’t care ) was part of being stuck in a bag of flesh… So the less you lie to yourself the closer you get to becoming the giant people eating mantis that exists at the centre of your world… assuming your world is spliced with Ketamine.
Another thing that fall’s into this category is apologies… a friend once said to me after I said ‘I guess I should apologies…gha!’ that apologies are only worth the time and effort if you actually feel you did something genuinely wrong… in this case I didn’t, I just figured it was the ‘proper’ thing to do… not the ‘RIGHT’ thing mind.

That stuck. Now it might seem like your justifying being an asshole, but think about it… what is a hollow apology worth? To be fair (warning Metaphysical quiry here) what the fuck does an Apology count for anyway?
A hollow apology is worth nothing. If someone say’s to you ‘I’m sorry but could you turn that down.’ I reply with ‘no your not.’ Not in an antagonistic fashion, very flatly and as inoffensive as possible. Why?
Because if they really were sorry they wouldn’t have asked you to do something they knew you didn’t want to. Its simple. People who cut you off at the supermarket shooting it back when they are halfway up the isle, rubbish, that’s not an apology.

If I cut someone off, I genuinely try an apologise them, and avoid doing it again. Its not perfect, but at least I’m paying attention to what I’m doing. Its better in my view than deluding yourself as to your own person, and furthermore I only do it if I truly feel I have wronged someone. I’m not going to show up late for a business meeting because I was held up by a crashed bus and apologise saying ‘I’m sorry I’m late BUT there was a bus crash.’ Thing is here, I’m probably not the one who’s sorry, it’s the other people in the room, all I say is ‘there was a bush crash… why did you guys hold the meeting up?’ or as a perhaps better example, I’m late for a meeting because I was having some of the best sex of my life with my girlfriend/boyfriend/fuck buddy/ secretary/ nurse etc… Do you apologies?
Shit no, you know what you dun, and your not sorry about it, so why waste precious now and other peoples ‘time’ by telling them your sorry when your not.
Whether or not you choose to feel guilty in these cases is up to you, but I’d suggest that feeling guilty about something is more wasted energy, especially if you created the situation.

Back to our headline, if you are prefacing your views (because that’s what they are, even if you don’t want to admit it) by saying ‘I’m sorry BUT’ then on the plus side deep down there somewhere, buried in your cerebral cortex is the knowledge that what your about to say is in some part not awesome, and that indeed you vaguely (very in most cases…like Billy Corgan and his pretension) know that it is not acceptable. So if you have read this and are now feeling wicked uncomfortable about your views… go to your mirror have a good hard look at yourself and THINK about what you mean when you say ‘blah blah blah BUT –insert pretty much what you just said you weren’t going to’.

Here’s one of my own opinions, on this matter that probably isn’t so pro-social. It really pisses me off when people think they can get away with something that is blatantly not cool like racism. Because I’m such a cheeky basted I always call people on it… I am renowned for doing it to people I hardly know. You might say that is me lacking social graces… your probably not wrong, but if I get one person to look at themselves and really look at the agenda they happen to be pushing then I have made another small victory against the legion.

I really have sermonized on this one… well its been bugging me for months, so hopefully the next one wont be so intense. To lighten the mood somewhat please refer to the non-related links below.

Bare with the Geek, the song is gold!

Congratulations… you world has just gotten a little bit more insane.

Ok, so I was watchin TV last night…

2008-05-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was watchin TV last night…

Yeah I know, it got cold in Hell didn’t it, I mean Jesus that has got to be the first time in about what… 6 months. As we all know I prefer to get my diseased Media from the Internet… Its always so much fresher that way, and so much more diseased… like Hut Sluts!

Anyway, as I was saying diseased media abound, I’d just finished watching Children of men, a movie that reflected the mood of the day… Dark, Brutal and Brooding… like Black metal should be! And I flicked on the TV and the adds were on… way less interesting and way more predictable than Internet adds that pop up and invade your computer with spamware and hooks so that the next time you look up ‘Pussy Cat’ for your 6 year old niece because she wants to see ‘the purrdy kitties’ you get a shitload of insertion porn sights and you scar her for life worse than that time I walked in on my Gay flatmate having sex on the couch!

Where was i… oh yeah the adds… adds blow, goats like Osama in that Net Vid. But this particular add caught me, and my ‘insane shit that people think of as normal but anyone with half an once of sense would see it’s the stupidest, craziest, dumbest, dirtiest shit ever’ meter went off…

It was a Gaviscon add… Gaviscon extra cold.
Now aside from being indoctrinated in Media theory to the days and analysing adds as a second nature, and noticing that the add was poorly edited, I also noticed this, which was the premise for the add… the add runs like this:

1) Lady at a party has a badly dubbed voice over thought like we have all the time, you know the one that cuts in just before she pulls the ‘heart burn face’ and says something innocuous like ‘oh no what’s that?’. then touches her throat.
I get those all the time, I look at a attractive woman and just before my eyes bulge and mouth drops then every one here’s a bad voice over of me saying ‘what the shit is that?’ then I touch my crotch… seriously!? Who the fuck does that… I mean I’ve never really had heart burn, but I’d imagine its like the time I rolled my ankle in a mystical black metal, grim forest. I didn’t get up and go ‘what’s that?’ then touch my ankle, I said ‘fuck I’ve rolled my ankle… it’s a good thing I’m drunk because the walk home would hurt like hell otherwise.’ But hay maybe my logic doesn’t fly in add land.

2) She then goes across the room to the cupord, and then that badly timed voice over cues ‘I better get the Gaviscon extra cold’ (yes I too think like badly scripted add voice overs, don’t you?) and drops a tab of… well whatever, I assume its Gaviscon but for all I know it could be Acid because from here on out we depart reality…anyway the camera cuts to her in what I assume is the Gaviscon sponsored meditation expression.
3) The camera then cuts to a CGI throat with three white milky looking firemen toating a big fuck off white hose… the ‘captain’ then proceeds to say ‘this lady needs the extra cooling strength of Gaviscon extra cold!’ (one would have thought this was implied by her taking it, its not quite the same as accidentally having acid by way of spiked punch or something.) the fire men than proceed to run down the woman’s CGI throat spraying milky white gunge out of said ‘fuck off’ hose…

Hold up?
Fire men running down a woman’s throat spraying milky while liquids and all they say was ‘this lady needs Gaviscon extra cold’?
Excuse me for being old fashioned but if someone’s going to spray milky while liquids down my throat I want dinner, a box of chocolates or flowers, a movie , to be driven home and a fucking kiss on the cheek first… and referring to me by name would be nice to asshole…
Seriously who the fuck in the marketing department thought that would be a good idea?
Milky liquids down a poor woman’s throat… Christ what did someone email them the plot for a porn film by accident and the add department went ‘hay wait on… internal combustion’ sounds like a great idea for a heart burn remedy add…
If that’s the case, I want what those fuckers are on because the only time to me this seam’s like it would make sense would be if I was 18 sheets to the wind and up the last 36 hours because I’ve been smoking P.

Also I’m no symboligist but last time I checked ‘let me Jizz down you throat’ was not the usual answerer to ‘shit I think I have heart burn, what can I do?’.

4) Anyway, after the firemen have had their way with the poor woman’s oesophagus and the ‘chief’ has stroked the side of the woman’s throat saying something about the soothing nature of Gaviscon the way a paedophile may sooth a 12 year old into having sex with him the camera cuts back to the woman who all of a sudden looks happy and care free…
Well… last time I saw a woman who’s oesophagus had been used to forcibly deposit milky white liquids she did not look FUCKING HAPPY! Rightly so, I’d hate to have my throat used to forcibly deposited Milky white Liquids… that shit just isn’t cool… you can get pregnant that way… that’s what Dave told me.

Hahahaha!

Just kidding, but seriously not FUCKING COOL…I’ve never understood that in porn… porn itself is quite a strange concept from the right (or wrong depending on your vantage) view point.

5) So after that the lady grabs her glass of wine , red wine (you wonder why you get heart burn you silly wench!) then runs over to the conveniently placed CD player then puts on ‘what a feeling’ but its all really out of time so doesn’t sync up at all well with the end of the add and plays over the announce ment at the end about how awesome Gaviscon is… as if you didn’t get that with the dirty firemen and misogynistic imagery in the add?

For starters I wanna see all the FAT people who use Gaviscon because their body is screaming at them “your treating me badly asshole!” and uses heart burn to tell them this, look that good and happy after Gaviscon. Second, surely this is not the right context for that song, I mean didn’t it get revived during that whole cosmo drinking sex and the city, women using men just like men have apparent feminist of the lipstick persuasion fad that happened around the early part of the double 00’s? Shouldn’t it be in a Nair add or like something for ‘Veet Bikini friendly gooch wax’ or something.
Then let us not forget just how absurd the idea of three milky white firemen spraying milky white liquid s… this add is almost as awesome as the Caniston add that treats the woman’s thrush at both ends… what a concept.

I’m sure your sitting there going ‘well Baz if that shit isn’t up to scratch what is?’ well ass hole this is going to be right up there with the cleaning product campaign I did back in my first year of War Lord Collage, entitled so clean it screams ‘freshness’ where a lady uses product X and a big bald guy in blue coveralls is in the background yelling ‘clean!’ and ‘Freshness’ when anyone smell’s the toilet or something… People will respect anything in add form, fuck its sad… we live in a well and truly consumerist society.
Anyway my add would look something like this:

Fat Guys at a party, drinking cranberry juice, he winces and then the voice over comes on ‘oh man… I think I got heart burn from all that vodka and OJ I drank’ then goes to the cupboard, pulls out the Mylanta or whatever, drops his tab…

Then out of nowhere Mr. T storm’s into the room, smacks him in the face and says
“Shazzame Foo! That’s what yo get for treating your body like a dam foo!” Then Missy Eliot bursts into the room and does a massive rap about how You’re a peace of shit, and your crap lifestyle did this too you while Mr T break dances in those shorts he had in the ‘treat your mother right’ vid:

All in all I think it’s a much more effective add and teaches children the most valuable lesson of all, that Mr. T is every where and if you are a dam foo, then you will get smacked in the face. So you better go out and do some physical activity because Missy Elliot my destroy you!
I realise none of this does anything for the poor guy now sprawled on the floor clutching a bleeding lip and having a stomach that’s threatening to dissolve itself, but still… some lessons are best learned the hard way.

Thus concludes today’s observations on stupidity.

If a Grammy award winning Metal act can do this, then why cant YOU?!

2008-05-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

If a Grammy award winning Metal act can do this, then why cant YOU?!

Ok, I mentioned this in the last post, your favourite band and mine Meshuggah, those mental Swede’s did a video for their rather popular song New Millennium Cyanide Christ. But the catch is, they weren’t playing instruments, it was all ‘air metalled’ if you will, observe:

So ok, we have complex Math Metal, some really intensely clever lyrics and a bunch of guys who air guitar a whole video… no I’m not doing a post like I did with the safety dance, this is a starting point for a point. My point here is we have a bunch of guys who probably could take themselves WAY TO SERIOUSLY and get away with it because they are complex, popular and have a Grammy. But if this vid is anything to go by they don’t, which I think is wicked cool.

So, the multimillion dollar question and down payment on the Chez mansion that’s 45 min outside of Prague has 60 rooms that I will one day own and turn into the most metal brothel come seat of power recording studio ever, is, why the hell do so many people take themselves WAY TO SERIOUSLY?

No I mean it, I mean I’m not trying to discredit people for thinking well of themselves, metal’s positive contrary to popular belief so why the fuck are there so many uptight people who take themselves and all they have vested in this flimsy reality way way to seriously?

Case en point, I was in the lunch room of my disgusting work place. Im heating up my porridge and I’m dancing on the spot singing the morning porridge song while air guitaring to a non-existant Metal riff. The song goes a little something like this… get the kids to join in, it will be fun for the whole family:

Porridge Porridge, in the mornings,
From the Fields of the south island

A bowl for your morning,
It is good for you,
Hippy food
Made from hippies
A Bowl of Bowl emptying awesome.

Porridge, Porridge, Porridge…

ETC

Feel free to improvise lyrics… I do.

Also when you sing this drop your voice to like an octave off the ground and cookie monster it, and if I hear any yeaheahahaha…Maria carry singing I’m going to beat you with a fence post.

Anyway the response to this moment of time killing and dealing with a mundane task in a silly fun way was met with:
Why are you so happy this morning?
And
What the hell are you doing?
With that face that looks like someone threw faces at them.

You know the one… anyway these people couldn’t understand how it was that a 21 something person of awesome would do something so randomly silly at 830am….

Well I’ll tell you how I did it, I stopped trying to act like gods gift to the proverbial and thought I’d make what all to many stand around and get annoyed over the los of time, soul, life whatever and make it fun. AND what’s more I did it to remind myself that things in life are SILLY.

I mean ok, maybe it is a bit strange if your mean setting is uptight, and all to regular if your mean setting is one that has one of those home made sticky labels pasted over the original one which is just giggling… uh, metal giggling… you know the guttural time.

Anyway, I think people would benefit from not taking shit so fucking seriously, have a bit of fun… make boring shitty mundane tasks like going to the supermarket fun… no I’m not talking drunk shopping… though that is fun… I hear LSD shopping is pretty cool, but anyway that’s not really a family type activity… more an individual one with people there you happen to know…
So yeah, the supermarket another example: I’m weighing blocks of cheese in my hands (a mind bogglingly complex process that involves me hopping around from foot to foot with cheese in my hands while singing the guitar part from Steve Vai’s Freak Show Excess…how’s that for Irony) and this girl standing next to me looks over at me, I smile, she smiles then says ‘it’s a complicated decision isn’t it, I mean, edam, Colby, cheddar, low fat, not fat and then where its from.’ And I reply with ‘totally… that’s why you gotta dance.’

She GETS it. I saw here later down the bread bit doing a little jig too. People need to get this, and I’m not just talking dances in public and humorous attitudes I’m talking fully removing your head from your ass and having a look around.

Take the people at my current workplace contrasted with the people at my old one.

Example: It’s a usual day and were bored, so we start playing scrabble, only we decided to make it customer scrabble. It started out as us demanding a word with what letters we had…it ran like this:

‘hello I would like to check in’ [in a German accent]
‘Quick what’s a word I can make with Z, M, L, A, A, F and X?’
“I uh… I don’t know’ [in a German accent]
‘Oh…dam, I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to check you in…’
‘What?’ [in a German accent]
‘Well see I had to make the triple word score to help you out… now I have to do a jig and Jing has to check you in…’
‘I’m sorry I don’t understand? Are you playing a Game?’[ in a German accent]
‘Well see its this…crazy things and… oh…’
Anyway we amended the game so that if you lost you had to serve the customer in a funny way, or put on a peace of the lost property clothing.

Long story short I did an hour in a shift with a tight Japanese woman’s fluro orange hoddie on that didn’t cover my whole body…

It was fun, funny and care free.

Now, at my new workplace if you make a silly joke you get looked at… like you have leprosy or something. Its doubly bad because I’m a temp…
I find it amusing that people act like I’m a terminally ill patent if I say I’m a temp and pull it out just to make them feel uncomfortable,… for fucks sake relax! Its only the work place, its just some… we, Crazy thing.

Its just ridiculous that people in this insalny ‘me me me me me me me me’ processed homogenised culture of our just don’t see how funny ‘normal’ shit is. I mean for starters I don’t think there is a normal… there’s just vaguely the same [said with squinty eyes]. Take once again my current colleagues… they hate the company and all of it ‘go team’ shit, yet are so ardent about people joining in the ‘fun’ at these somewhat imposed ‘social club’ meeting. Surely Social is a regular day to day thing that happens rather than some club that has to band together… and ISNT IT FUNNY how people like to spend time with each other AFTER spending 8 hours at work together… isn’t that weird!
Anyway uh… oh yeah people who band together like that set these strange ridged ideals and stuff… I lost my train of thought, but the point once again was how I think we can all benefit from not taking shit to seriously.

You accidentally delete an important spreadsheet before it was backed up… OPPS! Hahahahah.
You stared at a computer WAY WAY to long…Do a little jig.
You find the fact that your cooking Tofu as a meet substitute [tofu is the funnyies shit ever yo… it’s a cheese that soy, and is therefore METAL] so you make a little song about tofu.
You do something wrong, MAKE A HUGELY COMIC DEAL ABOUT IT, its even funnier… and when nobody laughs because their too uptight and that stupid ‘awkward’ silence happens, laugh again, because you’re the only one who got the joke.

Fuck people if they cant lighten up, its their loss big time. I mean if the joke was to obscure I deem that to be legitimate, but if its because their too fucking uptight to see the funny, then their loss.

I think we can all take a leaf out of the demi-god of spontaneity GIR:

Observe.

Discuss.

Well now you have a handle on what I mean, I think you would be wise to go forth and uh… eccentric… yes [does the Monty Burns hands thing.].

Wow… this has been a not so metal oriented post, but the point I’m making stands, loosen up, things are fun happy and shit doesn’t have to be a bore> When I was younger I used to say life is a big fucking joke… I got actively discouraged from this line of thinking by people who themselves gor all caught up in the fishingnet of life, dating, internet porn and other shit… well I recon I was on to something… not the whole of life mind, just BIG bits of it. To help here’s a small list… no justifications, just feel it out yo… cos that’s metal.
[think in a disgusting even tone that they use on the radio for kids programs]
Flatulence.
Spilling things.
Food.
Awkward social situations.
Porn.
HAPPY MUSIC.
Mental Kids Cartoons that really don’t make any sense.
Mimes.
Busses.
Comedians who aren’t funny.
Jigs.
Haggis.
Vegetarian substitute meat.
Cheese.
Puppies.
Goat babies.
Goats.
The Image of someone stalking the Scottish highlands with a knife in a kilt chasing sheep.
Mistakes.
Mocha.
Jive.
Java.
How serious Jazz musicians take en selves.
The Internet.
Youtube.com
Youporn.com
Pink.
Fluro.
The 80’s
The 90’s
Flannel.
Sheets.
Rake’s.
Fake.
Pantaloons.
The word Venezuela.
Sita’s.
Wah.
The Spice Girls.
Black Metal.
Fire hoses.
Water Pressure.
Flat mates.
Cats.
Blenders.
Chickpeas.
Rosy O’Donnell.
Contortion.
The 1890’s.
Beards.
Fire.
Setting things on fire.
Purple.
Masturbation.
Nudity.
Rugby games.
Fucking things up.
Racial segregation.
Hitler.
Panties.
Suspenders.

Please add to this list as you need to… I am but a mad man with a blog that you inflict on yourself… because self infliction is METAL

I think I’m going to sing the self infliction song…

Dunn dunn dun dunn dun dah chuge chuge chue
Self…
Infliction…
Extream…
Self…
Infliction…

Heavier Than a really Heavy THING…Like a Baleen Whale.

2008-05-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

Heavier Than a really Heavy THING…Like a Baleen Whale.

Now the prospect of an entire post about what is most certainly the most METAL song that was ever created may blow your mind, but don’t worry… that’s the point. Ever since I first experienced this gem of awesome I have been trying to formulate the best way to bring its awesome to the world. First I will set the scene:

It’s a Saturday evening, I’m at a good friend and fellow warlord of metal… the one who’s citadel I had to journey too in the saga of busdome , just to give you a geographical point of reference. Well a strict point of reference would be: Though the enchanted woods, past the eternal flame of inner peace which is next to the garden of thorn and bramble, up the hills of observation, past the astrologers tower (or squat building if you will), past the hill cart of cable, along the long and windy road with a left at the chuch of the sheep loving monk then up the St. of Jackson, Michel’s crescent shaped rd.

Anyway, I was at his place and we were musing on battle tactics, and listening to ManOwar…

Haha! Kidding, we listening to Meshuggah’s new album obZen.
Good album… maybe even post worthy.

Anyway, we were in a mood where we were attempting to re-create a state of mind had on Guyfawk’s night. I’m not going to go into details… Lets just say the Bats Hadn’t shown up yet and my good Groove-Metal Shogun friend said ‘You have to see this… if any metal band did this as a music video it would be awesome.’

What I didn’t realise was that not only would it be awesome, it would probably be such a condensed and saturated level of awesome it would become the heaviest element in the universe and punch a hole right through the space time continuum into a realm I like to call ‘Estonia’…because that shits heavy yo, and Estonia is a HEAVY name.

So he goes onto the mother of all inventions and summons to the crystal portal of LCD (Haha I made a pun… puns are not Metal, but I am…so I can get away with them) and brought us the Tube of You to show us… The Safety Dance!

Any video that has the following has, by right of all that is Awesome, to be FUCKING AWSOME!:
A guy wearing Pantaloons.
A Midget Jester with a Lute.
A Crazy woman who dances like she’s on coke.
A Maypole.
Happy Villages.
A Lot of Happy Villagers.
A Lot of Happy Villager marching in formation.
Hand actions that have nothing to do with the title of the song.
Hand actions that are toward the camera.
A really Happy dog.
A middle ages village that looks like its out of a Christmas special.
Historical inaccuracies.
A Giant Impossibly GREEN field which the midget almost drowns .
Chicken mask’s.
Punch and Judy.
People dancing EN mass.
The offending non-sensical hand gestures done while walking.
The realization that the hand gesture’s require a Yoga class to actually pull them off well.

Seriously, is that not the list of EVERYTHING that Blind Guardian would love to have in their music Vids? I mean throw in an elf and tone the lady on smack down and you practically have Lord of the Rings, minus a Gandalf smoking shit loads of pot on a door step… seriously you think that shit he does is magic, fuck off he was dropping shrooms man how else do you think someone can come up with a fire breathing goat beast made of magma and rock with flaming hair that orcs are afraid of… seriously you try coming up with something that fucked up while sober.

I mean all I could come up was the triple breasted man inserting vagina od death that was like three tit’s that turned into two legs that opened into the worlds biggest vagina that always had peoples legs hanging our from under it and salivated all the time…

That’s just lame.

Anyway keeping on track other wise Matt’s going to tell me I’m really tangential when I go over to his place at the weekend to watch Dr Wh… Uh… People getting decapitated… cough, and uh.. Metal Shit.

He he… suckers…

Ahem… yeah!
The Safety Dance.
Basically the moral of the story here is that if any metal band did that as a video concept or, better yet covered this master peace of the 1980’s it would be quite possibly a Metalocaliptic event. I’m not kidding you here, it would be mandatory for all people to think that it was the coolest video ever, unless by ruling of the great state of Vermont that you were allowed to hate on it.

Punishment for not bowing down to the awesome would be 40 turns around the may pole…

Followed by having to listen to that guy from Seinfeld who raged that black guy for being black and used the N word apologising for his actions…

Followed by a bludgeoning with a midget…

Followed by being forced to look into an imploding star as it eats the very fabric of space and time like the Master…

Followed by 20 min inside a room with Richard Simmons…

Where FINALY your eventual demise will be by the reverend GOD of awesome Rob Halford ripping your head off and eating your soul.

That’s how fucking serious I am people.
Not that I think many will resist the inerrant awesome of the safety dance METAL EDITION. Maybe a few thousand…and China…Maybe Texas too…possibly even the Ukraine and India…ant don’t forget the middle east…. So yeah not many.

The bands open for consideration of this MIGHT TASK are:
a) Iron Maiden: Because maiden are fucking awesome, and Bruce Dickinson is the fucking man, and used to wear pantaloons all the time anyway.
b) Meshuggah: because if that New Millennium Cyanide Christ video is ANYTHING to go by they don’t take themselves seriously. Plus Math Metal+80’s awesome… well you do the math.(FYI that was a Non-Intentional pun…just remember, only I can get away with em’)
c) Symphony X: for two good reasons, they would make it Uber EPIC and Michel Romeo sounds enough like Malmsteen for this to be THAT epic, but isn’t Malmsteen so therefore is safe from being molested.
d) Tool: because you know they would find a way to make uncomfortable and add like three minuets to the extended version.
e) Rush: I’m surprised they haven’t thought of this yet, I mean isn’t it up their alley with Tom Sawyer and all that.
f) Gojira: because the would find a way to make the midget in the field an environmental statement about global warming and the maypole a symbol of the earth unifying with enlightened man to create a better universe.
g) Rob Zombie: because… Because its Rob Zombie, if you have to ask go fuck yourself.

There are probably about five or maybe I dunno… ten bands that would be awesome at the act of awesome, and Phil Collins, but I need to get the important part out of the way… the bands that should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES GET NEAR THIS SONG.

a) Manowar are to oiled half naked man to get near this song, and not turn it into something about the true warriors of metal and their need to dance under the battle moon with a maypole before laying waste to the enemy. Your too gay go off and play with your catamites’.
b) Nightwish: NO!
c) Blind Guardian: Look you guys have molested or been molested… I’m no sure which, anyway, too much Tolkien to not want to fuck this masterpiece up!

If You have no idea of the awesome of which I speek :

Discuss, with the utter reverence it deserves.

Bring Back The Beef Cake!

2008-05-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Alien Versus predator is the biographical depiction of Chuck Norris’s first sexual experience.

Chuck Norris invented the caesarean section by round house kicking his way out of his mothers womb.

Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into a bar. It exploded because nothing can contain that much awesome.

Mr T pities the Fool. Chuck Norris kills him.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, hunting implies that there is a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble you win. Forever.

After the act of intercourse with Chuck Norris, women often find justice running down their inner thighs.

And finally my favourite:

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars; Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Now what the hell has this got to do with a blog about general awesomeness and Metal’s majesty (thank you David Drainman of Disturbed for wanting to put the majesty back into metal… funny though, though power metal had beaten you to it.)

Well let me tell you, other than wasting oh… about thirty seconds of your life which you will never get back, and also providing me with an opportunity to pad my own blog with awesome (what a bizarre concept!) It is all part of a cunningly constructed ploy!

The hard questions need to be answered people, and I’m not talking what Brittney cannot get her sham of a life back together and why her own evil paparazzi are looking after her and simultaneously destroying her, no I’m talking action here, im talking the awesome that is chick Norris… and what I wanna know is what the fuck happened to all the awesome?

See this has been bugging me ever since I got hooked up with a copy of the 400 facts about the worlds most awesome human (other than me and my cohorts… we will forgive Ian Spector because we are a private organisation that is designed to infiltrate quietly and not be seen. We have to combat the Legion of Doom somehow… all out war just blows, you only need to watch Babylon 5 to see that… ahem I mean Uh… Metal war films about… shit…

Platoon?

Anyway, back to the crux of the matter as it was pointed out to me in my infinite… sorry finite wisdom that my last post was very, very, very, very tangential…
Ha ha! That’s what you get boys and girls.
Anyway, to business. The issue I’m covering here is the action heros today.. or lack there of.

I mean Chuck Norris has a book about how awesome he is, Bruce Lee’s progeny Jacky Chan and jet Li are like fucking killing machines who have subtly dominated America infiltrating communism and the awesome killing power of tiger claw, Jean Claude Van Dame is fucking Belgium and Arnie is the god dam Guvonator…

If I was evading tax I would be fucking scared of anyone called the Guvonator… that just sounds like the start of a really short mpg clip on the net… ‘so I evaded tax in California’ and all it is, is thirty seconds of gunfire, screaming and the phrase ‘no one evades the GUVONATORS tax’.

Kids these days have no positive role models that can rip a mans heart out of his chest. I mean back when I was growing up, Chuck Norris was the man, and we would always play side kicks… course because I was the muscular warlord that I was at a young age I always had to be Van Dame… kids just don’t know where the hell Holland is… for fucks sake. Anyway I got to be the resurrected universal soldier… course when kids started to get a clue I had to then be Dolph Lundgren (Dolph’s the fucking man and you know it… anyone who looks like he’s an ex-Swedish body builder who could have done Gay porn just as easily as straight, but chose to be the ultimate killing machine with poorly practiced American accents is such a dude its not funny. That shits black metal AS) because Sweden is SO much closer to Holland than Belgium.

But my metal childhood aside, where are our Mr. T’s and Chuck Norris’s? I want to know! I mean when was the last time you saw a Vin Diesel fan club? Huh? Huh?!
I don’t see anyone writing ‘The 800 facts about Vin Diesel: The worlds greatest human’ I mean the action hero’s of today got no game… no longevity. I don’t see the kinds of today getting all awesomely actionstelgic about Vin Diesel… hell are there any other people who could be seen of as ‘action movie’ guys? As the Stranglers wrote in the late 80’s in their song ‘hero’s’ no more hero’s any more, no more hero’s…anymore. Too many would be action stars are going off and doing ‘sensitive rolls’ or even starting out in the wrong kind of film like that guy in snatch who went off to America to star in really crap action films.

I want Kurt Russell to make a come back man, I want another Sake Pliskin film. I wanna see Universal Soldier: Van Dame’s Revenge. Kids don’t want sensitivity… they want fucking blood and or guts. And sometimes bloodguts!

Chicks too!
Yeah they think they want the metro-sexual boyfriend, or the angsty gay vampire stereotype… but deep down you know they want the Norris… I mean his book confirms this. They just think they want that gay shit. Oh I hear someone calling me on this…
Yeah!
Well I wear moisturiser because I wear too much fucking corpse paint! Not because I’m a sissy, because Corpse paint is METAL.
And according to Maddox Metal is MANLYNESS’S sound track!
Where has the awesome gone people… where. When I have kids (assuming the U.N lifts that ban they have on me.) I want them to have a proper education… I’m talking the Terminator films, Side kicks, Walker Texas Ranger, Side Kicks, Crossroads, anything with Van Dame, the A-Team, dukes of Hazard, Rambo, Rocky and anything else I’ve missed that has people getting the SHIT kicked out of them.

You know this shit is in demand, I mean why else would there be all these come back films… Diehard 4.0, Rambo… again, and that Terminator film where all that shit got blown up. My money was on Wesley snipes it really was, till that fucker evaded tax in California (I rest my case about the Guvonator!) so we live in hope… and deep down we all know that women want some muscular freak who will rip their clothes of and ravage them… softly mind, and then be nice enough to pay for their taxi home. I say bring back the beef cake! That shits a REAL role model for young kids… none of this sensitive guy shit… I’m talking metal!

Too many sensitive guys and you end up with the ‘fab five’… I have no problem with man to man love, the Greeks did that shit… the Greeks were metal, but I’m talking sissy’s!

Sissy need to be killed in a fiery ball of testosterone fuled DEATH.

That’ll put a crimp in the Legions plan to make men SISSY so that taking things over will be easy…
BRING BACK THE BEEF CAKE!

Phil Collins

2008-05-07T18:06:00.001-07:00

So I walked into the supermarket near my newest posting as an Office drone, ( I cant go into to many details but its all part of a secret plot to destroy the unbelievers… unbelievers of what I don’t know… but then it wouldn’t be a secret now would it? And if ANYONE even thinks of calling this a Jihad I will send Chuck Norris to your house and he will impregnate your wife…Donovan, your wife is now pregnant!) and as I’m browsing the organic Yogurt…

What?

Yeah I eat organic yogurt… power metal warlord and agent of the true awesomeness that is metal has to look after himself.

Oh you think its easy keeping up such an awesome physique? Well let me tell YOU buddy, this is power metal… there are certain requirements, such as awesomeness… and looking good, and a certain amount of femminity because that shit’s metal, POWER METAL! Its not all beer, KFC and Pussy like Kerry King would have you Believe, being power Metal is hard work and its not all about as being big as a small house with enough fat on you to insulate an Eskimos prefabricated government ‘I’m sorry, so sorry we colonised you’ house.

Digressions about the metalness of organic yogurt aside… jez next thing I know you will be having me up about not eating that much meat and doing yoga… HAY HAY, FUCK YOU ITS WORK TO BE THIS AWSOME!

So anyway I’m holding my Cyclops organic unsweetened unflavoured non-GE low fat yogurt in one hand, looking at the Spirulena rack thinking about how awesome Chuck Norris is and how righteous and 80’s my new pink pickup looks in my all black guitar and then some music filters through.

It takes my brain a couple seconds to process as it doesn’t have a galloping 16th note guitar riff (for those ignorant n00bs out there that’s like Run to The Hills by Madien) or something that runs like CHUG CHUG, WOOH, WOOH, CHUG, CHUG (See any riff by Zakk Wylde) but when it did, the awesome did flow.

Yeah people, Phil ‘Mother fucking’ Collins!

As a good friend of mine and Grove Metal pedalling Shogun friend of mine said to me in what can only be described as a moment of clarity (Dig the Death Reference!) while under heavy duress, Phil Collins and Genesis are easy listening metal.

I thought about this for more than just a few moments as I too was under duress, but it struck home… Fuck Yeah, Phil Collins is the man… more so than that Phil Collins is GOD man, and Chuck Norris is his son… and Stratovarius is their sound track/house band… More so now they have broken up (Braking up is SOO fucking metal… like you wouldn’t believe. I’m wicked bummed, I mean power metal would still sound like J Priest if these guys hadn’t released Visions… But hay, one day I too will have the awesome power that comes with breaking up my influential prog-instumental-shred-jazz fusion-power metal band. HA say that shit will drunk!).

Who else other than Phil Collins would be a drummer AND a vocalist, as well as being the prime mover and shaker (maybe convulser would be the best term, this is Prog… I mean you don’t mosh to Prog, you just kind of sway and then when the awesome power of Prog gets the get go it summons itself and then fucks your skull… hence the convulsing) he also penned some of the only descent music to come out of 80’s easy listening rock ever. And besides the only other two drummers I know of who sing and play drums are no where near as fucking cool as Phil ‘I’m Your Daddy’ Collins. You got the guy from the Eagles, now this would be cool except for some obvious deficiencies. For starters your not balding like Phil, quite obviously unlike Samson, Phil’s power is enhanced by his loss of hair. Second, you have facial hair, facial hair is only reserved for two kinds of people, Chuck Norris, and Posers who want to be Chuck Norris… and uh.. well My Dad, but My Dad’s awesome and so metal he’s Folk… which is Metal! Anyway, and third, and by far the most important… Your in the fucking eagles! Once upon a time I would have respected the edginess of your music, had I been born in like 1950 and was around to see you when you were not just doing fucking reunion tours, which further more detract from your awesomeness when the old dried up egg sucking couples that come to your concert with their fat bellies and their kids in high paid executive jobs wearing MATCHING TOUR TSHIRTS!

You don’t give up and start again because the moneys good, and all your fans got old, grew up and then maid money and you wanna peace of the action. FUCK NO!

You do what Maiden did… or does… you don’t fucking quit! You keep touring, keep getting old, keep writing songs that sound like maiden, keep being the blueprint for awesome!

Next up is that drummer from Spiderbait… you look like a fat trucker which would be cool if you were in a ball’s out rock band from Kentucky that tuned drop-D and did those turkey throat vocals and were all about ’bringin back the southern spirit’. But Your not… your from Australia… and you covered Black Betty… Let us move on!

So uh.. well it seems pertinent to conclude here with this statement, seeing as we have covered the veritable gamut of all things both awesome, metal, and Collins… Its good to be back people that’s all I’m saying… that and: Phil Collins is God, and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it!

Discuss.

Continuing the working draft of ways that Metal can save itself... from itself.

2008-03-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

Back in light of spurious backlash from the Metal community. HAhahaha.

Cower in your faggot boots you weakling of the mind! I have come again from two days journey from the deep mountains of the mind abyssal to lay down upon the thy continuing wisdom of the almighty gods of the past aeon's.

In other words, i dont care how many people ive pissed of, you suck. So listen to me

31: Fusion. People, mix some shit together, it wont always work, but it will be better than the same old shit. Im talking shred jazz blues satanic gore-metal, or Technical-Progressive-Jazzinflected- Power Metal. Whatever!

32: Cleans are permissible.

32b: that covers Vocals, Guitar AND Bass!

33: Vocalists try at least a little to make your lyrics intelligible, I mean if i hear another Lord Worm I will find a bunch of kittens and punch all of them in the face. And if that makes YOU hot, i wish you a hell where your on a ladder over a pit full of hungry Ethiopian school children who WILL resort to cannibalism.

34: Less tattoo's. They dont make you look hard, and you will look so fucking lame when your that old bastard running that shit record store telling every new hopeful who tells you their going to be the next Metallica that you had a band that was going to be huge and that you 'gotta be hard to make it son' and then when they ask 'well why the fuck didnt you make it' you reply with 'well we didnt wanna sell out ya' see'. if Your that guy, fuck you. I hope you get a drug addiction and burn out like the Hindenburg.

35: Leave Metallica allone. For fucks sake, there is nothing you can say that is going to make shit any worse than the biggest joke in the world, that happens to be on them. Also, stop comparing people to them, its just not worth it any more. I mean kids these days think Black Album was like THE Metallica album, and the older guys who are all about Puppets hate the kids and... look fuck it its just a giant mess that we could have all avoided if people hadn't decided that Metallica WERE metal... their not, not any more let them continue to not grow old gracefully and just laugh when they try to produce a new album.

36: Leave Dime alone. He wasnt the savior of metal, he got shot, that sucks more horse cock than Osama but then again so did the last two Pantera albums... i'm not EVEN going to talk about that album that Damageplan did. I dont have words enough to express how obscenely bad that album was. Like St. Anger only... well yeah... nuf said.

Anyway Dime was an Ok guitar player, he wasn't awesome. His tone was SHIT so don't tell me it wasn't, and their harder than hard image, well all i'm going to say is LOOK AT THEIR FIRST ALBUM! THEY WERE WEARING SPANDEX AND HAD SONGS LIKE NOTHING ON BUT THE RADIO... seriously seriously GAY!

37: If you call your band HELLYEAH, tell me HELLYEAH is good or quote MuDvAyNe as an influence i will come to your house and i will TARE you SISTERS(or mother if you dont have one) head of and RAPE THEIR SKULL!... well ok maybe not, but if your sisters hot i will try and have sex with them... maybe even if they aren't hot... whatever.

38: EMG's do not sound that good and if anyone criticizes me on not liking the 'Metal Sound' you need to look at the relative obvious stupidity of getting the 'metal sound' in a set of FUCKING PICKUPS! You also need to think about why Jazz musicians like EMG's...

39: Zakk Wylde, while being the reason i picked up guitar in the first place, is (contrary to popular belief) a guy who is wicked over rated... more so No than back in the day. Ok, im not trying to shit on the guy too much because i like the dude but his soling does not set the fucking world on fire. Its pretty cron n00b styled Pentatonic bashing really, and his molesting of pinch harmonics is really boarder line. Long and the short is can we please start taking this dudes playing with a grain of salt. He is old now, and that's cool that hes still doing his thing, but stopping sometime soon may be a savior for him in peoples memories.

40: Be fucking careful with endorsement deals. Take the subject of 39... Zakk Wylde the Brand, not Zakk Wylde the Man... get my drift. Still if your playing tr00 to your roots then maybe having your name on everything you use isn't doing that.

41: Detuning is your friend, but should NOT be abused! drop G is for losers and a guitar tone thats muddier than a swamp. If you must be in a drone/doom metal band then for fucks sake dont tune lower than Bb.

This trains running out of steam as i run out of babies souls to eat and virgins body's to desecrate.

I'm packing it in for the night...

Stay tuned as i destroy your mind further with stupidity in rant form.

The...however many points i end up with, POINTS: That Metal needs to save iteself with:Working draft 1

2008-03-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Yeah i know, I've been like not around and shit. Slaying Black Metalers in a foreign lands like Quebec... Fuck i hate French Canadians... they are like the worst qualities of both the French and Canadians distilled into one evil empire of faggotry.

Man i hate French Canadians.

Anyway... as you can see from the elegant streamlined and market tested with one hundred cement approval rate from the A and R department... what the hell is an A and R department anyway? I mean what is acquisitions and Resources and why do they claim the lives of oh so many bands...
Whatever anyway back top my point. This weeks instalment of my fight against the god approved (cos its just not metal fags! Jesus and Black metal/Death Metal is just not cool...its not even Disco. And disco is Gay!) Legion of Doom, is Shit that needs to be done better or be got rid of in metal.

I was inspired by readied last months issue of Decibel magazine... possibly the only descent metal mag I’ve actually come across... Seriously, Metal Hammer, Terroriser... What The fuck?!

In the words of Mastodon from the Aqua Teen Movie:
If i find that you have called you self a 'Metal Mag'
'Satan Will Rain Down your Throat With Hot Acid, Dissolve Your Testicles and Turn Your Guts Into Snakes!'

I mean Decibel has some short comings, but its not wall to fucking wall advertising like terroriser for the latest fag fest metal-core fest in OklaHOMO! Or Having My Genital PAnic at the Emocore Fag Fest Romancing the pussy goth on the cover as their new gay boys. What has become man.

So beginith Baz's eternal decrees as to things Metal needs more of, now bare in mind that this is not a perfect guide for all Metal... Like when i say more gore and screaching guitar solo's that could destroy Petrucci if you whammed hard enough, i dont nessicarily mean in the SAME FUCKING SONG...Or band for that matter. Not a perfect example i know, but the point is read, digest, if your in a band think on what you feal is applicable to your sound. If your in a Gore grind band and want to stick to your proverbial guns (more likely Chainsaw) then figure out what is applicable and stick to it... or post snide comments to me... what ever, the long and the short is its not FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE!

If your in a Prog-Metal band, then a comment on Cookie Monster vocals isnt really going to apply now is it?

So without further adieu... The Shit List:

1: Metal mags need to stop being fag fests, and start being Metal Mags again. I'm talking actually having articles about metal bands. My Chem, fag, is NOT a metal band. They will never be a metal band. This is not negotiable.

1b: Further more, less fucking advertising. I don’t care if this reduces most magazines to the merest 100 pages, 50 of which aren’t glossy and are printed on news print that i could in desperation wipe my arse on (that’s metal as if its gotten to that stage...desperation is Dark AND Brutal) as long as the content is actually first and foremost about METAL and not about the newest crap that the recording industry has decided to package as metal then i will be satisfied.

2: Spend less time working on your image, getting tattoo's, piercing, hair dying, getting a stylist to paint your nails but make them look like a 3 year old painted them, working on 'power stance' head banging technique, 'hard' looks and whatever, spend more time working on your fucking Chops. I don’t care if your the singer, bassist, gat lord of shred or vocalist, I’m sick of bands being 1000% image and like 20% actual skill. You want a good example of this, see any band that emerged during the great early 2000's Nu-Metal feeding frenzy or Avenged Seven Fold.

3: On that note, Bass players... I'm sick of root not bashing. Play something other than the learner version the guitarists part... unless its Necrophagist, then maybe that’s permissible. Listen to Death's Human, Symbolic...what ever. Moreover listen to 'The Philosopher' also by Death, that’s some decent bass playing. For you out there who are all like 'ew that Death Metal its too metal for me' HARDEN UP... or go Listen to Mastodon's Remission or Leviathan.

4: Drummers, play something interesting... that goes double if your in a power metal band. I am bored to tears of the one, two, one, two, one, two drumming. Listen to a bit of jazz, you don’t have to like it, just rip it off. Listen to some Atheist or Meshuggah or something with a vaguely interesting drum beat.

5: Vocalists... Don’t sing like Killswitch.

6: Don’t sound anything like Killswitch.

7: Killswitch are GAY. This is non-Negotiable. There needs to be less Killswitch in metal.

8: There needs to be less Cookie Monster in Metal, and more uh... Whatever the good alternative is. See Nile, they have good Death Metal vocals... Muhammed Scuzmed may be an awesome Gat player, but he needs to work on his vocals. Anata... and some others.

9: There is to be less Core in metal unless it is Grind. Core is equivalent to putting a 3 tone boat load (a boat which holds much much more than the 3 tones in the name) of Gay into anything.

10: Less spelling shit wrong, more spelling things right. And i swear to the almighty Dark lord of Craig Sease that if is see any more fucking Forumesq names like xDeathStarx turning up as band members I’m going to kill every fag emo-metal-core bitch i see.

11: People... Riffs. And descent ones. If your into Wylde that’s cool, just don’t fill all your riffs with Pinch Harmonics all the fucking time. Its fucking boring. You want a descent riff, see Nile's Eat of the Dead from Ithyphallic. Worlds most Sea Sick Riff Ever.

13: Less 13 year olds wearing Burzum T shirts, with Heroin addicted emaciated man-boy girlfriends.

14: More Gore, less raping people with Fence posts.

15: Less Cannibal Corpse, more Cannabis Corpse.

16: Satan is tired, he left the game to Ozzy Years ago. Fuck hailing Satan, he’s doing what every smart retiree did years ago, sold up, took the kids inheritance and moved to condo in Florida. Hail Ozzy!

17: I’m fucking sick of bands trying to act hard. All these new bands, like HELLYEAH, Chimera and L.O.G (Bodom too!) are all trying to act hard. Open up Hellyeah's record cover and all they do is go on about how much they drink. What poser fags. I don’t give a fuck how much you drink, and to think your hard when you thank your 'vodka drinking buddies' fuck that man. You are the faggest of it all. You dont have to be HARD to be METAL, like i guess it kind of goes with the territory... but look at Hetfield and Hammet back in the day...before they went Gay and got rich and big and... well in some cases stayed the same. They were small, but they made up for it by being nuts... see that’s what ya gotta do. Less poser hard.

18: More Harmonisation, less repetition of alt picked notes at light speed.

19: Better album art work. Get Ed Repka on it, get a big guy decapitating people while plains rain Agent Orange on Nuclear Power Plants that spawn mutant hippy babies, get people being eaten alive by Zombies, it doesn’t always have to be A Woman. In fact lets change that... lets make it a baby! Whatever, get some cool album art work.

Guiding rules:

If its Prog Metal it needs to be something ethereal, thought provoking, vague, monolithic, intense in a philosophic kind of way.

Gore Grind needs to have dead shit. Its not hard really.

Death Metal is a bit more subjective, have something about your music, or what ever. Failing this, have your drummers face after its gone through Photoshop after you and your band mates had a half dozen beers each and a J or two.

Thrash... See Ed Repka.

Just some thoughts, this will get bigger, i just need to uh... think on it more.

20: Better song material. I’m sick of shit about your parents, or how gay America is. Leave that shit for Emo’s and punks. I'm talking societal decay, crack babies, cosmic sea's, visions through the haze of pot smoke and how humanity will eventually fall to the hive mine of id. Think about it man, have a J, drink a beer, shag your girlfriend, read a epic heroic fantasy novel, go to the gym, whatever gets the blood flowing too uh... well whatever organ makes you metal. For me its my Pancreas, nothing is more metal than the pancreas! anyway write better songs!

21: More thrash, less Crossover thrash.

22: Psychedelic metal is so permissible... just be careful about how far you take it, like if you don’t want to be in a DOOM metal band, then don’t down tune too far, don’t have long droning riffs and maybe cover interesting topics like the 60's with flame throwers, roasting the cosmic Buddha and uh... well i guess what happened last time you meditated and saw Jesus corn hole Santa with a cob of corn while merle haggard beat his wife in a room that was totally paisley.

23: Doom metal bands need to spend less time smoking pot, more time trying to play at more than 2/2 time!

24: What about 'Hippy Metal' its aggressive, its earthy and no one rally cares what they are on about, but people still buy it because its fair trade and they feel guilty.

25: Concept Albums!

26: More Concept Albums!

27: EPIC CONEPT ALBUMS!

28: More Chicks in metal.

29: Sorry to clarify, more hot metal chicks that are pretty much dudes in chicks bodies and can ACTUALY PLAY their instruments... Kittie i don’t think quite counts, it was a good try, but NO.

29b: Ethereal Female vocals like Agorah and in bits of cynic's release Focus are more than permissible, it would help your cause greatly if all other members of the band were talented and not prone to the Linken Park Strum, see Nigth Wish.

Ok, this is just the tip of the ice berg people, by the end of this rather epic endeavour to fix metal, the world will be a better place, i will get more women because of my obvious superiority to the mortal metal head and Emo will walk outside and explode in a ball of mascara laden death.

Oh that day will be party like Metallica Never released St Anger day.

Bus Numbers

2008-02-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

Public Transporatation has always been a bit of a sore spot for me.

Ever since my humble days of domination in the weastern subburbs of the mighty metroplis that is Auckland City i had a day where i tryed to jump on the bus out of the sleapy hamlet that as under my Evil metal thral, at this stage it was probably more black metal than power metal... or something...

Im digresing here i know... but at that stage i lived in a dank forst, thats hardly power metal warlord territory. Maybe manly mountain metal like Manowar, but ... well their just plain gay, so im sicking with Black Metal Superstar digs. Good times.

So im a warlord in traning, going through my last days of acaemy traning, and I'm waiting for this bus, and it fully drives past me. Now this is just plainf faggotry. Who does that?!

I know your life sucks because your a bus driver, but you have no right to take it out on me!

You are to be subserviant to my EVERY wim!

So neadless to say i have developed a compleatly irrational paranoia of any form of public transportation. So after dropping off one of my consorts to the train i then had the rather un evnviable quest of trying to get up two hills to retrieve a rather valuable satchel contaning the scrolls of uh... you know what, for arguments sake lets drop the metaphoe and say i had to get my bag of tricks before returning home to burn some insanity to disk that my...uh... druid music instructer wanted...

anyway so im waiting on the main drag in suitvill, thinking about commiting some attrocities on the unsispecting wackos that inhabit the glazzed offce block hot houses of sex, epravity and genrall madness... honestly and this is something i will be ranting about in the comming weeks, is suits... they are just fucked. What wackos. They are depraved, insane and a whole lot less normal than they think... i only have to look at the one i live with... hes a nutter, pure and simply mental.

Anyway, im waiting for this bus up to my dear friend and brother warlord of metal's hill top keep and then i notice that there are lots of diffrent numbers for the busses... HA! i hear you say, well DUH Baz...

But before you prematurly ejaculate in joy as to proving me unobservant let me finish!

I noticed that there were lots of numbers that didnt add up (scuse the pun) by that i mean, it was like they just randomly decided to put any assortment of numbers on the busses!

Gym poser pricks.

2008-01-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

Ok this is another one, years in the making, much like the one about the pentumverate of evil (see Baz against the Legion of Doom Issue 1, Vol: 1) and that's a rant about Gym Poser Fags.

Yeah i know I've probably offended my Gay audience (ha! and I regularly have to fend of 6ft blond Nordic Goddesses... or do I?) but this truly is the best adjective for them. I mean asside from the very obvious fact that they travel in pack's and engage in some what homoerotic behavior.

Anyway, like any epic Power Metal Warlord in training i have to train somewhere. When i was doing my learning from the people in the Ivory tower (their Cunts, all of them, deep down... but i cant judge too much, i mean they make more money than me... at present) i trained at their Gym. Cheep, cramped facilities, and an over abundance of people who were young and would buy gym memberships come but a handful of times and then never return... or when they did periodically (VAST generalisation warning) often looked worse than they did at the start of the year.

But no, this is but the beginning. Those people can be expected at any gym, you people out there who read this and laugh but then get this nagging guilty feeling and then start looking at your wallet nervously wondering if the laminated Gym card you paid 200 bucks for is going to come out and give you a Stearn lecture about being true to your selves... You need to STOP READING RIGHT NOW AND GO TO THE FUCKING GYM!

If your still reading, and your feeling unhappy about your body image, its because your haven't done something about it!

NOW!

Stop reading!

I know its gripping, and enthralling, but it will still be here when you get back, your impetus wont!

Now for the rest of you people let us continue.

Yes the other people at the gym, other than the people who actually come there and take it seriously. The people of which i speak are the poser fags that have an exercise routine that consists of this:

The Action: Assemble at appointed time with several other like minded individuals.

The Rational: The Ego is grater in a larger group of like minded people who will fluff it like the women on porn sets, as well as giving me people or even person to help aid my exercise so that it looks hard but the hardest part is actually aided and so that i have immediate response when i show off at.

The Action: Enter en mass, joking, laughing, wearing near identical types of clothing that included but are not limited to tight T shirts, board shorts and branded up the arse shoes, and making the groups presence instantly noticeable, indeed talk about the impending Wednesday night, how many chicks you will score, and how wasted you got at the weekend.

The Rational: Were hard attractive young cunts.

The Reality: You look like a bunch of wanna be tough guys who probably spend more time drinking than you do focusing on actually doing a proper workout.

The Exercise: The incline Bench Press, ego lift extraordinaire while making as much noise as possible.

The Rational: I can lift these weights that are WAY to heavy for me to do unaided, but I'm aided because its better to do it aided rather than unaided and people will think I'm hard if i make it sound hard.

The Reality: YOUR CHEATING! Big weights do not equal big guy and 3 sets of 4 reps aided will not make you stronger at the exercises and the noise makes you look like a Poser.

In Between set warm ups:

The Exercise: Fellatio about how much of a hard cunt you are and how that littleish guy other there cant possibly dip with a 20kg plate suspended from his weight belt.

The Rational: I couldn't do what hes about to do and I'm bigger and so is the guy standing next to him, so there for he cant. That and me talking about how much i can lift makes it true.

The Reality: The little guy can, and will, and has the 20kg plate because with it he then weighs as much as the big guy next to him. You cant do it because you have one: Never tried to do a fundamental exercise Two: don't want to try something and not be good at it Three: Triceps are for fags... Biceps on the other hand...

Note: During this time it is customary for either the Alpha male in the group or his second in command, to go and weigh himself. This is an ancient ritual that involves stepping on the provided scales, looking down, looking around, making pleased noises, then returning to the group to tell them how much bigger you have gotten.

it must be noted that this is often proceeding a weigh in at the beginning.

The Rational: I have been at the gym 'lifting' weights and thusly must have gotten bigger.

The Reality: You may have... indeed if you have, that is probably because YOU HAVE CONSUMED TWO BOTTLES OF WATER. It will not be because you have lifted weight. If anything, lifting weight and not countering with the appropriate diet can lead to loss of weight.

The Exercise: The Bicep Warrior workout from 'it gets me the girls' vill.

Note: this exercise manifests itself in many forms, and often is the primary focus's of our young pack animals. Indeed it may be done in many forms multiply times, while in groups or alone and often the same in between set warm up will be played out.

The Rational: Chicks dig guys with Biceps.

The Reality: I cannot comment on what women want... if i knew that i would be not single, however i can comment on this: From a balance stand point you have all bicep and no triceps, thus making your gains somewhat out of proportion. Big biceps are TOKEN, you will look like every other fag that only has biceps and a chest and nothing else. Contrary to popular belief Biceps ARE NOT what its all about.

Possible followups to this are some abs, and then a big round of verbal fellatio before leaving after a quick sneer at the guys who are doing a proper workout, making comments of 'that's not how you do it' or ' see that's actually a redundant exercise it doesn't really do much' assuming that they didn't leave after finishing their descent workout in about half the time that it took them to do 3 sets of Bicep curls.

Other possible variations include Squats that only go a quarter of the way down, shoulders for two sets than a round of biceps x 10 or Butterfly's with about the form of wounded seagull.

Other skills utilised are stupid nicknames for each other, comments on how good in bed certain women at the gym will be at an audible level, suffocating egos, a good weights hurling arm, the more noise the better and a good grunt system during reps.

If this appeals to you know these things:

I hate You, and if you comment loud enough that i can hear you i will not comment back i will let you continue flying in a blue dream and hope that one day you will tear a rotater cuff and be in agony for many hours.

Also know that you should not be reading this blog, you are a lesser mortal and will fall one day at my mighty guitar solo's of death.

Know also that when all those girls you sleep with grow up and grow a fucking brain, power metal listening warlords in training (who WILL be warlords by then) will profit far more from our well rounded, secretly spiteful ideals.

Finally also know that no matter how advanced you think you are from a pack animal, you have descended to the level of a Peacock. You are nothing more than an animal that puffs out its chest in order to mate. You are possibly worth a David Attenbrough BBC docco, which i would write entitled: Man: The Pinnacle of Evolution or Pack animal with an Ego complex the size of a small planet.

My moneys on the last one, but what ever.

People are scum, and i truly hope that that band GWAR gets its act together and enslaves humanity or destroys us because were a blight.

Whatever though, Ive got a legion to fight... and a New Gym to go to and a whole bunch of new poser fags that will assume i cant possibly lift that and then prove them wrong which does i sadly have to admit add to my ego... but we will just have to keep that quiet.

Oh and for you others who kept reading: I now know who you are and will show up at 7am when i finish work in a drill Sargent uniform screaming 'roust roust, get out of zee bed, it iz time vor zee basik training!'

Hazzard Lights

2007-12-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

Ha!

The Web Marshall that stops my web based Domination has been fooled, no doubt in part due to my growing power of shred based warlordery. Anyway egotistical digressions aside... I have a bone to pick with all you people out there who own cars.

What the fuck makes you think that doing something Illegal, Annoying, disrespectful to other car drivers, disrespectful to pedestrians and even potentially destructive is made OK by having your Hazard lights on?!

I get hungry, like any flesh consuming beast of man sweat, so i go down manners for some Maccers. I meet a friend, we talk by the crossing lights. We almost get hit by some faggot in an Audi talking on a cell phone doing some ungodly U turn across a PEDESTRIAN ONLY street!

But...its OK, because he had his Hazard lights on.

I'm in a tram, its a nice warm day in Melbourne. I'm traveling towards a music shop with great dreams of finding the mother load of Stratovarious albums so i can go back to my dark, damp room and masturbate...I mean air guitar... no who am i kidding, i mean masturbate... to big titted porn...ahm. What do i see out the window?

Some crazy mother fucker on the WRONG side of the street (ie: going against the flow of adjacent traffic, so how the fuck did you get on that side of the street driving that way!) driving to shops making delivery's.

But its OK, because he has his hazards on.

Some guy try's to run me over, I'm on a crossing. I go riotously ape shit at him, but its OK because He had his FUCKING HAZARD LIGHTS ON!

I strip a car of some blinkers, set them off like Hazard lights. Then i go do some Meth and then go kill a shit load of old people with a flame thrower. But its OK, because I HAD MY FUCKING HAZARD LIGHTS ON!

Honestly i used to think it was just New Zealand, but then going over to Oz proved it. The most useless function on any motor vehicle in existence, is the most convenient excuse for a bunch of child raping bastards to get away with the most illegal shit. Yeah, that sounds like civilised logic to me.

I thought we were an 'Advanced Western society' bull shit!

I call Shens!

I mean OK they aren't all child molesters, but lets just take that for spin. Say one of them is, and is parking his car out front of someones Lollipop's play land faking that his engines cooked so he can steal you 6 year old daughter to take home and make into Peat Townsend's newest child porn infringement, but you know what its OK, because he has his STUPID FUCKING HAZARD LIGHTS ON.

honestly, what the hell makes you think that something dangerous or annoying is ANY better with Hazard lights on?

That is the thinking of all you stupid people who I KNOW will run out to the nearest card board box shelter when the Legion of Doom, gets hold of some goddamn Nukes. You know that shit will happen one day, and you know that those people will get annihilated.

And if your one of these people who has done something vaguely like what i have just illustrated above...especially if your a paedophile, i want you to have a good hard look at the next Black Metal T shirt wearing kid with an anorexic vaguely dead looking girl friend walking down the street... That's who I'm going to get to tear your flesh from your bones and rape your skull because they are on a fucking Meth binge...I hope it hurts and you have dreams about getting an epidural while the agony continues. Oh it will be a happy day, and you will pay.

Oh yes.

You will pay!

That's another thing.

Paedophiles. I motion right now. Gay stuff (not actually homosexual people or stuff associated with Gay people, the B/S pop culture colloquial type shit i mean) should now be refereed to a being paedophilic or pederast. I don't care if i offends you paedophiles, you are worth less than a stool sample... well they are really useful to like microbiologists, but anyway. You people need to eat shit and die!

Even the Legion is not that low. In fact as far as enemy's go, they are all right... but still.

Wankers!

My return from the wastelands.

2007-12-22T18:53:00.000-08:00

I'm back to enrich your lives you sorry decrepit, fat chick-cream pie-cum drenched whore-BDSM Porn watching wackos... and er... lovely women who i only imagine actually read this Blog.

Anyway, I managed to craw my way out of that godless wasteland that bastards like Abath and Blind Guardian inhabit to bring forth the true light of metal at a time when God... or maybe the Devil, i honestly haven't decided who's better, knows the world needs it.

Yes that's right, you knew it was coming.

This is the one hundred cement, you know it, I hate Fucking Christmas rant!

Ha. I see you cringe, but that's what you get. Go have a talk with yourself you sad sad little man.

Anyway. I've been on a not so secret crusade against Christmas since I was about six, when i went to this crazy Dutch Christmas society part and i found out that Santa was not only a pedophile, but a fucking racist. Yes that Dutch bastard doesn't have Elves, no, the day they were handing out helpers Blind Guardian must have bought the farm, because that guy got Black helpers.

Yes i know that Black is politically incorrect, but you tell that to the Dutch... Irony i know that one of the progressive nations on this planet has a racist Christmas's Carrol that they get kids to sing.

What the fuck.

But lets not get side tracked with the dutch. They will get their own damning Blog later. Back to Christmas.

So we have a racist Santa Claus, and then... we have this Jesus guy. Now hes supposed to be some kind of fucking super hero for sins... who died for us... What a fucking idiot.

Did he not get that most of us are not only good at, but seem to like the sinning part?

And then... we have what most god fearing (why...seriously, why fear a God that allegedly created you. I mean why create something only to destroy it...OK i guess when you smash some kids sand castle its pretty cool, but that's like way different!) Christan's probably refer to as the evil Devil worshiping corporations who like to sell you and every one you know shit they not only don't need, but also stress, so that later in the year your over paid fucking therapist can sell you shit for post traumatic stress disorder that you don't need and costs you money.

See now i think most Christians have got it all wrong. Its not DEVIL worshiping corporations that are the problem... no they just churn out lawyers and make dirty drug money... drug money that buys better coke for you to use to get over you post traumatic stress disorder.

See I think the issue here is its dirty, evil JESUS idolising corporations that have fucked it for every one.

They worship Jesus so fucking much that they have convinced themselves that every other idiot needs to give gifts because of some moron who died because people like to have fun.

Well you know what.

If that's a justification for me having to hear the same Celene Dion song six times in a day when I'm not even god dam Christmas shopping then YOU people can get FUCKED!

I blame the Jebus squad. If they hadn't decided that 2000 fucking years of merchandising was a good idea for some n00b who wanted to make a name for himself by dying for stuff people actually liked then we wouldn't have this situation.

No no no. I know what your thinking, this is some angsty teen rant about hating god and blaming for all my problems. no my problems stem from me being a wanker and having no social life. Besides i like the church... where else are all the Paedophiles going to go, till that Santa job opens up... or Pewee Herman makes another kids show on Coke. No Christmas sucks because of Jebus. That's why. No you cannot blame your depressing family Christmas time arguments on Jebus, your family just sucks because they are alcoholics.

Don't worry your not alone, mine is the same. But still. Celene Dion made that song because stupid corporations in America love Jebus, because he was a stupid ass hole who tried to make a name for himself and unfortunately succeeded. Wish he'd had the same idea as Anabel Chong and decided to have the worlds biggest Israelite gang bang rather than be a fucking martyr for shit we all like anyway, but what are you going to do.

Me I'm going to abuse any shop staff that says merry Christmas's to me but hay, I'm a Heavy Metal warlord and your not. Christ maybe i should have stayed battling the legion and Blind Guardian in that hell hole of a mythic land. Oh well... to another year of pointless crap sold to you by Chrisco. Why wont that Lady hurry up and die.

This is depressing. I'm going to go drink myself happy.

Guy Fawkes

2007-11-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

Ok...
this is something that has bugged me since i was eleven and held a sparkler that exploded in my hand showering my wrist with burning ash that then fused with my skin causing me to have a couple pretty cool scars that the ladyz think are gross.

Why the fuck do people give a shit about fireworks?

I mean Guy Fawkes is even less legitimate than Mothers day or free Tibet day...we know their fake that's why we do something on them, but guy Fawkes is like worse than that. Its a placebo celebration about some shit that went down in a country that decided it was a good idea to invade new Zealand...and name it that.

seriously i mean what the fuck is the point to, you blow some shit up that looks the same as it has done every year. I mean i love blowing shit up as the next Black Metal superstar, especially protected wooden Norwegian Churches, but fire works are just gay...ok if your not on acid according to a friend of mine, but then according to him all shits pretty much cool when your on acid...so i just plain think hes fulla shit.

pack to my point, what a waste of money. If wellington city council is going to put on some massive fireworks display that is going to attract a few thousand people who ohh and ahh for what they will later go on about being the best 15 minuets of their life for that year...which i suppose for all the drunk teenage slappers was ok, cos you know their socially retarded 21year old boyfriend cant last that long, even if he put the rubber band on and is fucking her up the ass...where was i...
Oh yeah, the fact is that all those rate have gone for something that lasted 15 minuets, and looked the same as last year.

AND THEN!

The the police are spending the 4 hours trying to delouse the surrounding streets from a bunch of burnt out whacked teenage losers and wanna be GANGSTA'S. i was wandering around...as you do, feeling a bit, er...mellow. and all i could think about was how this was like Bat country and the Manson's were everywhere. drunk teens are not cool, and they always come out to the free social event gathering things...like New years in any small 'city' (i use this term in the fucked up new Zealand sence of the word.) in New Zealand.

The other thing that really struck me, and i was in a particularly observant mood was the fact that every one, who had a prospective other was all over them like the dip shit Rugby heads at an open bar. It was disgusting. Furthermore when like 18 of have to congregate in a group, do it out of my rather than in the middle of the street. If you don't I will walk into you and make you spill your beer, and if you spill it on me, so help me god i will yell and piss and moan like a stuck pig.

You people, you young pathetic people who do these things are why big portions of wellington are fucking Bat Country, your why it sucks to walk down Manners after a certain time of night, and you will be the next accidental teen death, pregnancy, drunk driving, gang rape, gang fight, drug deal and terrorist statistic for this country.

You are why I'm fighting the Legion of Doom, hell you probably had a part in making it.
Fuck this, I'm off to administer some Guitar.

Bands from strange places

2007-10-30T02:40:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when someone asks you where a band is from you always feel like your letting them down by telling them some rune of the mill place name like California, Australia, England, America and Sweden or whatever.

you know what i mean, there seems to be a mass of bands that come from the same places that other bands do. I mean how many Death Metal bands can possibly come from fucking Florida?
It's almost like every person in Florida likes Death Metal.

You know what i wanna see more of...Bands like Aborted, or Agalloch. Aborted...Goregrind from Fucking Belgium...Belgium a country famous for Chocolates, Beer and Paedophiles, and yet they made Aborted, who kick ass!

Or Agalloch, who come from some reall middle of the road place in the Midwest, like Idaho or whatever. Like how could you get a band that sounds more not like there they come from than an intensly ambient Blackend Deathmetal type band.

I wanna see more bands from Poland, or better still Greenland and Ice Land. I wanna see a gore-grind band that comes from the peoples republic of congo or something, or more bands from Greece like Firewind.

hell i reckon i'm going to move down to Stuart Island just so i can form the best Brutal Technical Death Metal band that came from Stuart Island. Or maybe Serbia and help the Blackened Power metal scene there.

Can you just imagine how bad arse it would be to say that you were listening to Iceland's only Blackened technical power Metal band.

That's almost worth me putting my war with the Legion of doom on hiatus...still something tells me that aint gonna stop any time soon.

Anyway i have a fucking essay to annihilate and then some more legion arse kicking to do...and to finally find a way to exterminate Indie from the face of the earth.

Mythic... like the land Immortal sing about.

2007-10-30T02:37:00.000-07:00

So last night I was on what can only be described as a bit of an inhuman rampage…
You know the kind.
A little bit disconnected from the world and all…when you have done some shit and you’re a little bit more in the zone so to speak…anyway if you don’t know what I mean you suck. Really.

So anyways…I saw a midget. Not just any midget it was a PISSED MIDGET.

I swear…I didn’t think they existed. Like they were as illusive as the Blond Haired Asian woman in the National Lampoon film. Or the holy grail of tone in a box, and I’m not talking the Boss Metalzone. Fuck I hate that pedal…and their new Metalcore one. Seriously what sell-out faggots. Ahem, anyway. There was this Midget, and it was pissed as shit. I honestly cannot tell you how mind blowing this was in normal English, it was a fucking pissed midget. Like he was this midget and he was pissed.
And now before you say this is not major thang, when was the last time you saw a Midget let alone a pissed one? Huh? Huh? Huh?

And Magazines and Movies don’t count, because we all know Midgets come from Hollywood.

And even if you have when was the last time you saw a pissed one?

I have a couple mates who said they saw one once, but that’s like one in a million. And in Wellington. I mean there is some wack shit that goes on in this town but I think the Midget pretty much topes the list…that and possibly the guy who walked passed us waving at the time we saw the midget who was pulling a Napoleon with his hand in his jersey…but still I think that was only due to his proximity to the awesomeness that was that FUCKING PISSED MIDGET.

Honestly, this still trips me out even now…and now I’m sitting on about half a gram of Caffeine, so I’m about the opposite of what I was last night.

Seriously, I wish I could have captured that dude and put him in a cage in my closet and just keep him wasted. He could be my court jester…except I don’t have a court. Well whatever. This was seriously a wonder of the modern world…a fucking pissed Midget. Like the 8th wonder, and I’m not talking the popular conception of the 8th wonder being that Ibanez 8 string…though it does look fucking cool. Except for that fixed Floyd bridge…that bit is kinda gay. But whatever.

That Midget, if he reads this I want him to come back to 282 the Terrace in Wellington and ask for me, because I wanna buy you a fucking beer. So if you were the midget who passed three people going down Dixon Street at about one am on Tuesday the 30th of October come down to the hizzouse and get a beer on Baz. Hell ill buy you a doz if only so I can document the spectical…that’s if your cool with it. But seriously I think you could be the next internet celebrity ahead of…whats her face. That 18 your old chick who gets payed to show up at partys and look bored…you know the one. Oh and We Man… fuck him I recon you could kick his ass.

We need more people like him to help fight the legion. Oh well…guess that’s just my job or some Shit.

Take a walk on the god dam left side of the street!

2007-10-30T02:32:00.000-07:00

These last couple have been hanging arround for ages, they were ones i did for a magazine that never got printed.

Seriously how FUCKING HARD IS IT TO WALK ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE FUCKING PAVEMENT! I’m not going to beat round the bush this week, its all on, I’m sick to death of having to move while carrying my body weight in stuff while some dickless wonder in a cheep suit talking into his fucking work cell phone to his mate about how easy it was to bang some tarty first year girl the night before on student night. Other than the fact that you happen to be one of the seediest cradle snatchers on the planet, get the fuck out of my way and don’t look at me like your un-impressed when I tell you to move because your walking on the wrong side of the pavement!

Lambton Key it virtually the nexus of all evil on this one, and I’m not talking about the ‘Little Nicky’ come Ozzy Osborne ‘evil’. I’m talking the ‘I’m going to punch the next stupid mother fucker who gets in my way, cuts in front of me then starts walking slower than me, or try’s to push past me when I’m carrying something wider than me, because just that once I’m going to not take up as much space as I physically do just for you, because your that special. You Wanker!’

This brings me to a time during the hazy lazy days of summer when I was helping a muso friend of mine pick up his new several thousands of dollars of Marshall Amplification (I don’t care what you say, Marshall’s may be over priced, but your Mesa is more so…and your diamond plate grill cloth is fucking gay.) from the Manners rock shop. For those of you in the know as part of an amp set up you often have a 4x12 speaker cabinet that weighs about 25 kgs and is about the width of that shitty single bed you had to sleep on when you stayed at your Christian girlfriends parents place. For some reason two guys who are not by conventional terms ‘small’ carrying one of these things, that happens to be big and black to a car, don’t seem to take up as much space as they look like as one mother assumed. Then when said people put the cab down and swore in unison at the woman somehow they were the ones being bastards…well that might fucking be, but lady don’t try and push passed me when I’m caring something that could crush your child! Now I know I swear a lot and often times at strangers in supermarkets, but I’m a courteous guy, but I wont fucking be if you people continue being as inconsiderate as you have been. This also goes for you people on campus too! I walk fast and if I’m stuck behind you and your dumb air head friend while you talk about GH fucking D’s then I will yell at you…and now you know why! Let me pass and we won’t have conflict.

My appeal is to anyone else who feels this way, come join me down on Lambton Key after a couple beers between the hours of 3:30 – 6 pm and well get ourselves some assault convictions.

The Whine about…Wine

2007-10-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

I was at the super market the other day with a friend of mine, doing what most self respecting filthy bogan inclined students do, by shopping for pesto and rice crackers… and beer when I heard a mother loudly exclaim to her child. ‘Honey don’t break that…that’s mummy’s’. Where upon I turned to see a child (presumably this woman’s…though I could be wrong.) waving around a bottle of wine. This then caused me to state quite loudly ‘yes dear, don’t be braking mummy’s medicine; she needs that because your alive’. This went down about as well Brittney’s album ‘Against the Music’, but one thing must be said, even though the bitch mother of that little harpy looked at me in an accusatory way deep down in side she knew I was right.

This makes me wonder, I mean if all those ALAC posters are to be believed then much of our binge drinking is being done by old people…old people like your parents. On I hear you say ‘but my mother and father are life long members of the Otaki Assembly of God. They believe in being pure like Jesus.’ Well to you I say BULLSHIT… I mean why do you think its communion wine, not communion Power Aid. I mean get with the program, just face it, your parents drink because you exist. Think about how you would feel if the ugly bloody pallid bundle of meat you pushed out of your thorax decided to go off and do a BCom…I’d say pass me the fucking Jack Daniels! I’m going on a bender till my kid can pay for my liver transplant and send me to one of them old age homes with the nurses like you see in all those fine films done by Private…yeah you know the ones I’m talking about, with all those washed up porn starlets from the 70’s who still look like they did twenty years ago but no longer have standards (ok this premise even I know is flimsy I mean a Porn star with standards…).

I guess this thought came full circle when while humming Repetition by Helmet and hefting the weight of a fifteen pack of Steinlager I thought about student drinking, and all the wonderful stories I’ve heard from people who work a lot with first years. Maybe this drinking first years seem hard wired to want to do is all part of some genetic hazing process, or the warm up for the semi’s. like the prep work for the History essay I should be doing now the compulsive first year drink fest is working up to when they all have little sacks of shit themselves, kinda makes you all warm and fuzzy inside…well I’m warm and fuzzy because of the Jack I just drank, but whatever. My point, and its taken me only four hundred and seventy four words to do it is, just you be thinking about how you drove your parents to drink when you call them Sunday night asking them for more money cos you blew it all last night at Licks.

More observations on Australia.

2007-10-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

Billy Hyde has the most guitars i have ever seen...really.
People look at you funny when you end a sentace with 'Bro'.
People dont know what 'Bro' means.
Pure Blond tastes better on tap.
Their drunk assholes who like AFL are a lot like our drunk assholes who like Rugby and League.
The Fender Rory Gallahger model is one awsome guitar.
The SRV model has a neck like a bassball bat.
Hosies in Elizabth Street is not your avarage bassment bar...
32 degree days are brutal.
Sleeping in a 32 degree day is like falling asleep in the deasert with your mouth open while a bird trys to fuck your skull.
The Jeff Loomis model is not a bad guitar, but no matter how much the guy at the shop tells me how good EMG's they still sound sterile.
Their porn stores are more blatant.
Their arts festival is wack.
The thing i went to on friday night, its name escapes me, was so out there that when i started to hang off the frame that supported the building people thought it was another act going on.
Their hippies are worse.
Metalcore is so painfully in here.
There are a lot of Powermeatl fans here.
People love Dream Thater here way to much.
...
Im sure i had more...whatever...im off to to do battle with the legion.

Thoughts about Australia

2007-10-23T02:34:00.000-07:00

Their Burger King (Hungry Jacks) is better. It tastes faker, but its better.
I am still out of style here but its harder to tell because there are more people here.
Emo isn't quite as bad here.
Their Hotter women are more blatant.
Their Hotter women tend to be nicer.
If you wear a tight shirt and your a dude you may get hit on by a dude.
Blond is in.
Their discount CD stores actually have good music in them.
Their homeless people tend to be politer than those in wellington.
There are many who dress like Sara Wood.
The Music Stores have no Love for the Dunlop Jazz 3.
The service sucks at Allan's Music.
They have no Love for the Joe Bonamassa.
The Ibanez X model is apparently not for Death covers...which is B/S cos they ripped of Chucks model.
Their Public Transpiration Shits all over wellingtons, and New Zealand.
Dan Murphy's is the best Liquor Store Ever.
Japenglish is not the common dialect for people in the Asian district...shock, its English.
Their Guitar Prices are comparable to NZ.
Saying that you would like to scallop a Strats Fret Board and Put 11-52's on it is apparently a Fux-Pass.
My legs will hurt after walking constantly for 5 hours round town.
Steinlager is Cheaper here in half a Doz form.
Steinlager has cooler packaging here.
Their free gig guides are better.
Their Public Library is Strange with its lack of Seating.
Who ever thought that Purple would make a good co-ed school uniform colour was an idiot.
Tram is a cool word to say while drunk.
Its country, not Blues.
The Syn Tax sucks, but is probably a good idea.
Melbourne is like Wellington, but with easier shifts in climate.
Arch Enemy are Lame.
Deli's Kick ass.
I will add more on further observation.

Kids on planes

2007-10-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

Seriously

Who the fuck decided that bringing a fucking toddler on a plane was a good idea!

Do you not remember when you were still young and single, and attractive and didn't have the left over fat from giving birth to your bastard daemon child, and then had to sit on a four hour flight to fucking Australia while listening to some stupid persons kid.

If you can, then you loose in the stakes of thinking about your actions and how the affect the poor people who have to listen to your horrible kid crying during take off and landing, and running up and down the isle during the flight.

Sure you might think I'm being bitter, and that i don't know what its like to have kids, but again i say if its that much work, then don't inflict it on other people!

No matter how much complimentary in flight whisky you drink, or how loud your playing Death's 'Spirit Crusher' you know that as soon as landing occurs your going to have to put up with someones kid crying because decompression hurts and when your a kid, most of the time you don't know how to shut the fuck up about shit hurting.

I think airlines need to screen passengers, and have a fourth class. You get 'Pacific class' (read the cheep seats) 'Business class' (read i make more money than you bust still couldn't dupe my boss into forking out for first class) 'First class' (read I'm rich but i still get ripped off because there is only a curtain stopping me from being rapped by one of the plebs), and then the new class. I call it 'Family class'.

Its a small cramped cabin area with a paddock at the back for the annoying little kids, and some equally cramped seats for the solo mothers, fathers and family that feel the need to inflict their child on the rest of the flying populace. It would be great. Hell we could even put a bar in there so those parents can drink themselves stupid will still being able to look after their kids...well that and i could hang out down there hitting on the MILF'S...which there are a lot off on flight. It would be the best move since premoistened toilet paper at a curry joint!

The least people could do is wait till their kids are like 6...then they can just give them sleeping tablets so we don't have to fucking here them. I hate un-courtious people...almost as much as i hate Korean Pop music...and suits down Lambton at 5pm on a weekday. Keep your children in check on flights...or Stowe them in the top compartment, i don't care as long as i don't have to see them.

Baz, off to fight against mediocrity.

When your not looking!

2007-10-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

I was looking through a bunch of Guitar magazines with my co-conspirator the other day, who happened to be looking at a Drumming mag and we suddenly realised in a horrible moment of pain... He was looking at an article about Mike Portnoy that was more add than anything else, and I was slap bang in a run down of John 'I can play so fast that your head will explode' Petrucci’s guitar rig.

All that junk and he still has the kind of tone I would expect someone who has a Boss DS-1 and has ‘found’ the greatness of that bright orange peace of crap, and happens to be 16, and lives in a basement.

We wondered how this travesty could have happened and could only chock it up to this really cosmic feeling that we were suffering the effects of bad media exposure, then left. It was at this point we decided to head for some serious food, but couldn’t place why we were so out of it...
Then it hit me. While we weren't looking, reading some seriously shit guitar and drum mags Petrucci and Portnoy had snuck up and fucked our skulls.

YEAH....I know, fate worse than fucking death. Being fucked in the skull while your not looking by some dude who's been around for an eternity, refuses to fuck up and die and for some reason now is the new poster boy for shred...we'll get to Herman Li later.

Petrucci will do this though, and so will Portnoy...fuck for all i Know Bill Sheehan is probably stalking my mate Dave who plays bass, watching, waiting...lubing.

Just when you think your day will be the most awesome, low down chill day ever, marred only slightly by the fact that your Chucks stink...well, mine do... Your day is going to get fucked up, by you being fucked in the skull by some wanker shred, technical, masturbatory homoerotic walking mannequin in red leather pants and toting scientology (seriously, Sheehan get fucked!) and you will regret it.

This is what you get for listening to that fucking n00b at the guitar store.
You get Fucked in the Skull and you don't even get a kiss or a thank you!

This shits bringing' me down, so I’m going to go off and keep fighting the Legion of Doom.

Pentumverate of evil!

2007-10-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

You know that Kayane West song Jesus walks… well I have living proof that he doesn’t. And the proof I present to you is: The Pentumverate of evil!
Yes people there is a group of five ‘men’ who have caused more misery and woe in the last three decades than Hitler did in one, and shit that man doesn’t waste any time. I’m talking not about Tony Blare and George W. and the Project for the New American century, those guys are small potatoes compared to these 5 ‘dudes’ who have done nothing but destroy brains since their conception, I present to you:

Steve Vai

Joe Satriani

John Petrucci

Yngwie J. Malmsteen

And Rusty Cooley

These men are the most evil pantheon of Satan (and I’m not talking the good, running with the devil kind of metal kicks ass Satan, I’m talking the really evil one…you know that molests school children an’ shit). Yes these five guys are the worst thing to happen to music since teased fro’s and spandex…and to a lesser extent the Vocorder and the Eventide Harmonizer. Its interesting to note that about three of these guys showed up on the scene about the time these things were popular. Joe came along ‘Surfing’ with the fucking Alien…if by ‘Surfing’ you mean molesting, Joe, then yes… it seems to be something you horrific Shred types like to do…I mean Vai had ‘Alien Love Secret’ which I can only assume was the earliest recorded mainstream publication of a recipe for Rohypnol and didn’t Eric Johnson (who at this stage hasn’t worked his way up to the highest ranks of horror…think of him as like a Demi-Whore…or something. Maybe he’s like the Evil courts spokesperson or just the guy who masturbates to keep from trying to rape Dallas Arbiter Fuzz Face.) didn’t he do something with an Alien. Probably nothing good.

Now Petrucci, what the fuck is that guys deal. I have never seen someone who is so famous who has the likes of his dearth in personality outside of Indie music. I mean dude, we know how fucking fast you can play, but during a rendition of ZZ Tops ‘La Grange’ or Hendrix’s ‘Voodoo Child’ 32nd and 64th notes are really not what the song is about. For fucks sake, wasn’t that one of the things those old bastards on Harmony-Central.com complained about n00b’s doing? Hendrix might have been a nonsensical drug fucked weirdo, but at least he didn’t have a refrigerator full of effects, processors and a small Vietnamese boy who powers his amp by running, and yet still manage to sound like the keyboardist.

Malmsteen. Wow.
Do I really need to tear into this guy, I mean he does a good enough job as it is making himself look like a douche. Mr ‘I never practiced guitar in the traditional way, I always practiced like I was about to preform’. Seriously if you did that, then you probably wouldn’t be stuck somewhere between 1981 and 1982. Get with the fucking program… I mean you can say that I’m just jealous, but seriously who the fuck could be jealous of that shoulder pad wearing, harmonic minor molesting wanker… who is fat.

Finally Mr. Cooley.
That man has no soul.
Look at him.
Nothing in the eyes.
NOTHING.
No man that has ‘EY’ ending both his names could possibly be good.

These five men are what’s wrong with the world. These five men caused world hunger…these five men brought us FUCKIN BONO!

I rest my case, and resume my fight against the Legion of Doom.