I’m not racist but….

I love when people say completely contradictory things, but justify it by pandering at the beginning of the sentence to anyone who they perceive to have liberal views in the area.

That’s right, I’m not going to pontificate today my disciples of metal… today we are covering the shit I deem not metal. And I mean I really don’t think this shit it metal…fuck its not even macramé. To get me in the high and mighty mood I have just ensued Backbone off from Mars to Sirius.

As the title suggests, sentences that start with ‘I’m not “X” BUT…”X” ’ (where X is value of both the suggested ‘not’ value at the beginning of the sentence, and is in fact the underlying theme in the sentence.) really make me both laugh and die a little inside. They are guaranteed to be about something that is controversial, and something that modern society in all its diseased mediated wisdom has deemed to be ‘bad’ for bad I have compiled a short list of things that often appear in ‘I’m not “X” BUT… “X”’:

Sexism.
Anti-Environmentalism.
Racism.
Sociopliticisim.
Evangelism.
Atheism.
Economisim.
Homophobia (oh its not an isim!)

As you can see this is a very ‘Isim’ oriented list… well the plain and simple truth is that people love to bash isim’s. The heart of the matter in this one lies in the preposition for people to get afraid that they will be labelled un-PC by voicing their opinions with what I like to call the ‘disclaimer’ clause.

Unfortunately the idea of a disclaimer has been take for the proverbial ride in this case, because very often a person will utter a disclaimer and then launch into a line of reasoning very much like what they have just clamed not to be. Moments ago I heard a colleague utter the fateful ‘ I’m not racist but…’ I’m not going to go through what they said, but it was very racial judgment oriented.

The rise of the term P.C. has caused people to fear voicing strong opinions, and before I go any further I will preface my argument by say these two things:

1) Racism, Homophobia, Sexism, Socio-economisim, Evangelism and pretty much every other isim that’s up there other than atheism (I will cover that in a sec) are SO NOT FUCKING METAL I don’t have enough words to cover it, so if it sounds like I’m endorsing what a persons saying, I’m not, I’m endorsing their right to say it not the content. Free speech is that, whether YOU like it or NOT. So this leads me to…
2) I play devils advocate, you should know this by now, I will argue because I can and because I spent three years in Philosophy papers arguing shit I didn’t care about in the slightest. So if I say something to the effect of ‘People shouldn’t be afraid to voice their opinions’ or ‘PC has got people scared about having extreme opinions’ I mean that P.C. has kind of gone about things the wrong way. I think people should be proud to voice their opinions, I mean that, I also accept that I will hear things I don’t like and will probably piss me off… were not quite at enlightenment yet… most of us that is, one day maybe, and I sincerely hope that more and more people are not being brought up or indoctrinating themselves into these horrible thoughts forms etc…
2b) to further the PC discussion, great idea, but what its gone and done is made people who have these er… misguided views more secretive about them, as well as creating the situation of ‘disclaimer statements’. What I’m saying it’s a preventative thing not a cure, or a quasi fix in my vernacular.

So I’m going to start the actual proper part of my blog by saying this: ‘If you have to preface a statement with “I’m not X… But” then you know dam well that you are X and are in a vain attempt at social graces justifying it to yourself, and trying not to make it sound quite as bad as it probably is!’

There I said it. I am not saying I’m perfect, I have my vices and my attitudes that some would no doubt describe as ‘not metal’ but on the whole I try to see the good in every one. That includes Gay people, Women, People of a different race, Colour, Creed… shit even right wing jerk offs (it’s a proper term honest :P) but the long and the short of it is this, if you have to say something like that then you dam well are going to be that. Its not excusable. If you have an opinion state it, if it stands it will, if its and EPIC FAIL, then you will be scorned. Grow a pair (women have ovaries, they come in pairs, Transgender people had ovaries of testiest therefore the spirit of the pair remains on etc) and just state your fucking opinion!

This is all part of a wider campaign I instituted around the turn of the year, which was about cleaning up extraneous language I use and speaking… well for lack iof a better term ‘tr00’ and when you don’t feel the need to then don’t say anything at all. Cut and dry, black and white, night and day I know, and I appreciate that life is all about the shades of grey, but the more conscious you become of what you say, the better I feel you come to be at communicating and frankly the less your delude yourself as to who you are.
Now I may be wrong but I figured self realization (whatever that means for you, be it the Buddhist sense, the blood drinking ‘im a vampire etc…RPG’ sense, I am the dark god etc I don’t care ) was part of being stuck in a bag of flesh… So the less you lie to yourself the closer you get to becoming the giant people eating mantis that exists at the centre of your world… assuming your world is spliced with Ketamine.
Another thing that fall’s into this category is apologies… a friend once said to me after I said ‘I guess I should apologies…gha!’ that apologies are only worth the time and effort if you actually feel you did something genuinely wrong… in this case I didn’t, I just figured it was the ‘proper’ thing to do… not the ‘RIGHT’ thing mind.

That stuck. Now it might seem like your justifying being an asshole, but think about it… what is a hollow apology worth? To be fair (warning Metaphysical quiry here) what the fuck does an Apology count for anyway?
A hollow apology is worth nothing. If someone say’s to you ‘I’m sorry but could you turn that down.’ I reply with ‘no your not.’ Not in an antagonistic fashion, very flatly and as inoffensive as possible. Why?
Because if they really were sorry they wouldn’t have asked you to do something they knew you didn’t want to. Its simple. People who cut you off at the supermarket shooting it back when they are halfway up the isle, rubbish, that’s not an apology.

If I cut someone off, I genuinely try an apologise them, and avoid doing it again. Its not perfect, but at least I’m paying attention to what I’m doing. Its better in my view than deluding yourself as to your own person, and furthermore I only do it if I truly feel I have wronged someone. I’m not going to show up late for a business meeting because I was held up by a crashed bus and apologise saying ‘I’m sorry I’m late BUT there was a bus crash.’ Thing is here, I’m probably not the one who’s sorry, it’s the other people in the room, all I say is ‘there was a bush crash… why did you guys hold the meeting up?’ or as a perhaps better example, I’m late for a meeting because I was having some of the best sex of my life with my girlfriend/boyfriend/fuck buddy/ secretary/ nurse etc… Do you apologies?
Shit no, you know what you dun, and your not sorry about it, so why waste precious now and other peoples ‘time’ by telling them your sorry when your not.
Whether or not you choose to feel guilty in these cases is up to you, but I’d suggest that feeling guilty about something is more wasted energy, especially if you created the situation.

Back to our headline, if you are prefacing your views (because that’s what they are, even if you don’t want to admit it) by saying ‘I’m sorry BUT’ then on the plus side deep down there somewhere, buried in your cerebral cortex is the knowledge that what your about to say is in some part not awesome, and that indeed you vaguely (very in most cases…like Billy Corgan and his pretension) know that it is not acceptable. So if you have read this and are now feeling wicked uncomfortable about your views… go to your mirror have a good hard look at yourself and THINK about what you mean when you say ‘blah blah blah BUT –insert pretty much what you just said you weren’t going to’.

Here’s one of my own opinions, on this matter that probably isn’t so pro-social. It really pisses me off when people think they can get away with something that is blatantly not cool like racism. Because I’m such a cheeky basted I always call people on it… I am renowned for doing it to people I hardly know. You might say that is me lacking social graces… your probably not wrong, but if I get one person to look at themselves and really look at the agenda they happen to be pushing then I have made another small victory against the legion.

I really have sermonized on this one… well its been bugging me for months, so hopefully the next one wont be so intense. To lighten the mood somewhat please refer to the non-related links below.



Bare with the Geek, the song is gold!





Congratulations… you world has just gotten a little bit more insane.

Ok, so I was watchin TV last night…

Ok, so I was watchin TV last night…

Yeah I know, it got cold in Hell didn’t it, I mean Jesus that has got to be the first time in about what… 6 months. As we all know I prefer to get my diseased Media from the Internet… Its always so much fresher that way, and so much more diseased… like Hut Sluts!

Anyway, as I was saying diseased media abound, I’d just finished watching Children of men, a movie that reflected the mood of the day… Dark, Brutal and Brooding… like Black metal should be! And I flicked on the TV and the adds were on… way less interesting and way more predictable than Internet adds that pop up and invade your computer with spamware and hooks so that the next time you look up ‘Pussy Cat’ for your 6 year old niece because she wants to see ‘the purrdy kitties’ you get a shitload of insertion porn sights and you scar her for life worse than that time I walked in on my Gay flatmate having sex on the couch!

Where was i… oh yeah the adds… adds blow, goats like Osama in that Net Vid. But this particular add caught me, and my ‘insane shit that people think of as normal but anyone with half an once of sense would see it’s the stupidest, craziest, dumbest, dirtiest shit ever’ meter went off…

It was a Gaviscon add… Gaviscon extra cold.
Now aside from being indoctrinated in Media theory to the days and analysing adds as a second nature, and noticing that the add was poorly edited, I also noticed this, which was the premise for the add… the add runs like this:

1) Lady at a party has a badly dubbed voice over thought like we have all the time, you know the one that cuts in just before she pulls the ‘heart burn face’ and says something innocuous like ‘oh no what’s that?’. then touches her throat.
I get those all the time, I look at a attractive woman and just before my eyes bulge and mouth drops then every one here’s a bad voice over of me saying ‘what the shit is that?’ then I touch my crotch… seriously!? Who the fuck does that… I mean I’ve never really had heart burn, but I’d imagine its like the time I rolled my ankle in a mystical black metal, grim forest. I didn’t get up and go ‘what’s that?’ then touch my ankle, I said ‘fuck I’ve rolled my ankle… it’s a good thing I’m drunk because the walk home would hurt like hell otherwise.’ But hay maybe my logic doesn’t fly in add land.

2) She then goes across the room to the cupord, and then that badly timed voice over cues ‘I better get the Gaviscon extra cold’ (yes I too think like badly scripted add voice overs, don’t you?) and drops a tab of… well whatever, I assume its Gaviscon but for all I know it could be Acid because from here on out we depart reality…anyway the camera cuts to her in what I assume is the Gaviscon sponsored meditation expression.
3) The camera then cuts to a CGI throat with three white milky looking firemen toating a big fuck off white hose… the ‘captain’ then proceeds to say ‘this lady needs the extra cooling strength of Gaviscon extra cold!’ (one would have thought this was implied by her taking it, its not quite the same as accidentally having acid by way of spiked punch or something.) the fire men than proceed to run down the woman’s CGI throat spraying milky white gunge out of said ‘fuck off’ hose…

Hold up?
Fire men running down a woman’s throat spraying milky while liquids and all they say was ‘this lady needs Gaviscon extra cold’?
Excuse me for being old fashioned but if someone’s going to spray milky while liquids down my throat I want dinner, a box of chocolates or flowers, a movie , to be driven home and a fucking kiss on the cheek first… and referring to me by name would be nice to asshole…
Seriously who the fuck in the marketing department thought that would be a good idea?
Milky liquids down a poor woman’s throat… Christ what did someone email them the plot for a porn film by accident and the add department went ‘hay wait on… internal combustion’ sounds like a great idea for a heart burn remedy add…
If that’s the case, I want what those fuckers are on because the only time to me this seam’s like it would make sense would be if I was 18 sheets to the wind and up the last 36 hours because I’ve been smoking P.

Also I’m no symboligist but last time I checked ‘let me Jizz down you throat’ was not the usual answerer to ‘shit I think I have heart burn, what can I do?’.

4) Anyway, after the firemen have had their way with the poor woman’s oesophagus and the ‘chief’ has stroked the side of the woman’s throat saying something about the soothing nature of Gaviscon the way a paedophile may sooth a 12 year old into having sex with him the camera cuts back to the woman who all of a sudden looks happy and care free…
Well… last time I saw a woman who’s oesophagus had been used to forcibly deposit milky white liquids she did not look FUCKING HAPPY! Rightly so, I’d hate to have my throat used to forcibly deposited Milky white Liquids… that shit just isn’t cool… you can get pregnant that way… that’s what Dave told me.

Hahahaha!

Just kidding, but seriously not FUCKING COOL…I’ve never understood that in porn… porn itself is quite a strange concept from the right (or wrong depending on your vantage) view point.

5) So after that the lady grabs her glass of wine , red wine (you wonder why you get heart burn you silly wench!) then runs over to the conveniently placed CD player then puts on ‘what a feeling’ but its all really out of time so doesn’t sync up at all well with the end of the add and plays over the announce ment at the end about how awesome Gaviscon is… as if you didn’t get that with the dirty firemen and misogynistic imagery in the add?

For starters I wanna see all the FAT people who use Gaviscon because their body is screaming at them “your treating me badly asshole!” and uses heart burn to tell them this, look that good and happy after Gaviscon. Second, surely this is not the right context for that song, I mean didn’t it get revived during that whole cosmo drinking sex and the city, women using men just like men have apparent feminist of the lipstick persuasion fad that happened around the early part of the double 00’s? Shouldn’t it be in a Nair add or like something for ‘Veet Bikini friendly gooch wax’ or something.
Then let us not forget just how absurd the idea of three milky white firemen spraying milky white liquid s… this add is almost as awesome as the Caniston add that treats the woman’s thrush at both ends… what a concept.

I’m sure your sitting there going ‘well Baz if that shit isn’t up to scratch what is?’ well ass hole this is going to be right up there with the cleaning product campaign I did back in my first year of War Lord Collage, entitled so clean it screams ‘freshness’ where a lady uses product X and a big bald guy in blue coveralls is in the background yelling ‘clean!’ and ‘Freshness’ when anyone smell’s the toilet or something… People will respect anything in add form, fuck its sad… we live in a well and truly consumerist society.
Anyway my add would look something like this:

Fat Guys at a party, drinking cranberry juice, he winces and then the voice over comes on ‘oh man… I think I got heart burn from all that vodka and OJ I drank’ then goes to the cupboard, pulls out the Mylanta or whatever, drops his tab…

Then out of nowhere Mr. T storm’s into the room, smacks him in the face and says
“Shazzame Foo! That’s what yo get for treating your body like a dam foo!” Then Missy Eliot bursts into the room and does a massive rap about how You’re a peace of shit, and your crap lifestyle did this too you while Mr T break dances in those shorts he had in the ‘treat your mother right’ vid:




All in all I think it’s a much more effective add and teaches children the most valuable lesson of all, that Mr. T is every where and if you are a dam foo, then you will get smacked in the face. So you better go out and do some physical activity because Missy Elliot my destroy you!
I realise none of this does anything for the poor guy now sprawled on the floor clutching a bleeding lip and having a stomach that’s threatening to dissolve itself, but still… some lessons are best learned the hard way.

Thus concludes today’s observations on stupidity.

If a Grammy award winning Metal act can do this, then why cant YOU?!

If a Grammy award winning Metal act can do this, then why cant YOU?!

Ok, I mentioned this in the last post, your favourite band and mine Meshuggah, those mental Swede’s did a video for their rather popular song New Millennium Cyanide Christ. But the catch is, they weren’t playing instruments, it was all ‘air metalled’ if you will, observe:



So ok, we have complex Math Metal, some really intensely clever lyrics and a bunch of guys who air guitar a whole video… no I’m not doing a post like I did with the safety dance, this is a starting point for a point. My point here is we have a bunch of guys who probably could take themselves WAY TO SERIOUSLY and get away with it because they are complex, popular and have a Grammy. But if this vid is anything to go by they don’t, which I think is wicked cool.

So, the multimillion dollar question and down payment on the Chez mansion that’s 45 min outside of Prague has 60 rooms that I will one day own and turn into the most metal brothel come seat of power recording studio ever, is, why the hell do so many people take themselves WAY TO SERIOUSLY?

No I mean it, I mean I’m not trying to discredit people for thinking well of themselves, metal’s positive contrary to popular belief so why the fuck are there so many uptight people who take themselves and all they have vested in this flimsy reality way way to seriously?

Case en point, I was in the lunch room of my disgusting work place. Im heating up my porridge and I’m dancing on the spot singing the morning porridge song while air guitaring to a non-existant Metal riff. The song goes a little something like this… get the kids to join in, it will be fun for the whole family:

Porridge Porridge, in the mornings,
From the Fields of the south island

A bowl for your morning,
It is good for you,
Hippy food
Made from hippies
A Bowl of Bowl emptying awesome.

Porridge, Porridge, Porridge…

ETC

Feel free to improvise lyrics… I do.

Also when you sing this drop your voice to like an octave off the ground and cookie monster it, and if I hear any yeaheahahaha…Maria carry singing I’m going to beat you with a fence post.

Anyway the response to this moment of time killing and dealing with a mundane task in a silly fun way was met with:
Why are you so happy this morning?
And
What the hell are you doing?
With that face that looks like someone threw faces at them.

You know the one… anyway these people couldn’t understand how it was that a 21 something person of awesome would do something so randomly silly at 830am….

Well I’ll tell you how I did it, I stopped trying to act like gods gift to the proverbial and thought I’d make what all to many stand around and get annoyed over the los of time, soul, life whatever and make it fun. AND what’s more I did it to remind myself that things in life are SILLY.

I mean ok, maybe it is a bit strange if your mean setting is uptight, and all to regular if your mean setting is one that has one of those home made sticky labels pasted over the original one which is just giggling… uh, metal giggling… you know the guttural time.

Anyway, I think people would benefit from not taking shit so fucking seriously, have a bit of fun… make boring shitty mundane tasks like going to the supermarket fun… no I’m not talking drunk shopping… though that is fun… I hear LSD shopping is pretty cool, but anyway that’s not really a family type activity… more an individual one with people there you happen to know…
So yeah, the supermarket another example: I’m weighing blocks of cheese in my hands (a mind bogglingly complex process that involves me hopping around from foot to foot with cheese in my hands while singing the guitar part from Steve Vai’s Freak Show Excess…how’s that for Irony) and this girl standing next to me looks over at me, I smile, she smiles then says ‘it’s a complicated decision isn’t it, I mean, edam, Colby, cheddar, low fat, not fat and then where its from.’ And I reply with ‘totally… that’s why you gotta dance.’

She GETS it. I saw here later down the bread bit doing a little jig too. People need to get this, and I’m not just talking dances in public and humorous attitudes I’m talking fully removing your head from your ass and having a look around.

Take the people at my current workplace contrasted with the people at my old one.

Example: It’s a usual day and were bored, so we start playing scrabble, only we decided to make it customer scrabble. It started out as us demanding a word with what letters we had…it ran like this:

‘hello I would like to check in’ [in a German accent]
‘Quick what’s a word I can make with Z, M, L, A, A, F and X?’
“I uh… I don’t know’ [in a German accent]
‘Oh…dam, I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to check you in…’
‘What?’ [in a German accent]
‘Well see I had to make the triple word score to help you out… now I have to do a jig and Jing has to check you in…’
‘I’m sorry I don’t understand? Are you playing a Game?’[ in a German accent]
‘Well see its this…crazy things and… oh…’
Anyway we amended the game so that if you lost you had to serve the customer in a funny way, or put on a peace of the lost property clothing.

Long story short I did an hour in a shift with a tight Japanese woman’s fluro orange hoddie on that didn’t cover my whole body…

It was fun, funny and care free.

Now, at my new workplace if you make a silly joke you get looked at… like you have leprosy or something. Its doubly bad because I’m a temp…
I find it amusing that people act like I’m a terminally ill patent if I say I’m a temp and pull it out just to make them feel uncomfortable,… for fucks sake relax! Its only the work place, its just some… we, Crazy thing.

Its just ridiculous that people in this insalny ‘me me me me me me me me’ processed homogenised culture of our just don’t see how funny ‘normal’ shit is. I mean for starters I don’t think there is a normal… there’s just vaguely the same [said with squinty eyes]. Take once again my current colleagues… they hate the company and all of it ‘go team’ shit, yet are so ardent about people joining in the ‘fun’ at these somewhat imposed ‘social club’ meeting. Surely Social is a regular day to day thing that happens rather than some club that has to band together… and ISNT IT FUNNY how people like to spend time with each other AFTER spending 8 hours at work together… isn’t that weird!
Anyway uh… oh yeah people who band together like that set these strange ridged ideals and stuff… I lost my train of thought, but the point once again was how I think we can all benefit from not taking shit to seriously.

You accidentally delete an important spreadsheet before it was backed up… OPPS! Hahahahah.
You stared at a computer WAY WAY to long…Do a little jig.
You find the fact that your cooking Tofu as a meet substitute [tofu is the funnyies shit ever yo… it’s a cheese that soy, and is therefore METAL] so you make a little song about tofu.
You do something wrong, MAKE A HUGELY COMIC DEAL ABOUT IT, its even funnier… and when nobody laughs because their too uptight and that stupid ‘awkward’ silence happens, laugh again, because you’re the only one who got the joke.

Fuck people if they cant lighten up, its their loss big time. I mean if the joke was to obscure I deem that to be legitimate, but if its because their too fucking uptight to see the funny, then their loss.

I think we can all take a leaf out of the demi-god of spontaneity GIR:

Observe.




Discuss.







Well now you have a handle on what I mean, I think you would be wise to go forth and uh… eccentric… yes [does the Monty Burns hands thing.].

Wow… this has been a not so metal oriented post, but the point I’m making stands, loosen up, things are fun happy and shit doesn’t have to be a bore> When I was younger I used to say life is a big fucking joke… I got actively discouraged from this line of thinking by people who themselves gor all caught up in the fishingnet of life, dating, internet porn and other shit… well I recon I was on to something… not the whole of life mind, just BIG bits of it. To help here’s a small list… no justifications, just feel it out yo… cos that’s metal.
[think in a disgusting even tone that they use on the radio for kids programs]
Flatulence.
Spilling things.
Food.
Awkward social situations.
Porn.
HAPPY MUSIC.
Mental Kids Cartoons that really don’t make any sense.
Mimes.
Busses.
Comedians who aren’t funny.
Jigs.
Haggis.
Vegetarian substitute meat.
Cheese.
Puppies.
Goat babies.
Goats.
The Image of someone stalking the Scottish highlands with a knife in a kilt chasing sheep.
Mistakes.
Mocha.
Jive.
Java.
How serious Jazz musicians take en selves.
The Internet.
Youtube.com
Youporn.com
Pink.
Fluro.
The 80’s
The 90’s
Flannel.
Sheets.
Rake’s.
Fake.
Pantaloons.
The word Venezuela.
Sita’s.
Wah.
The Spice Girls.
Black Metal.
Fire hoses.
Water Pressure.
Flat mates.
Cats.
Blenders.
Chickpeas.
Rosy O’Donnell.
Contortion.
The 1890’s.
Beards.
Fire.
Setting things on fire.
Purple.
Masturbation.
Nudity.
Rugby games.
Fucking things up.
Racial segregation.
Hitler.
Panties.
Suspenders.


Please add to this list as you need to… I am but a mad man with a blog that you inflict on yourself… because self infliction is METAL

I think I’m going to sing the self infliction song…

Dunn dunn dun dunn dun dah chuge chuge chue
Self…
Infliction…
Extream…
Self…
Infliction…

Heavier Than a really Heavy THING…Like a Baleen Whale.

Heavier Than a really Heavy THING…Like a Baleen Whale.

Now the prospect of an entire post about what is most certainly the most METAL song that was ever created may blow your mind, but don’t worry… that’s the point. Ever since I first experienced this gem of awesome I have been trying to formulate the best way to bring its awesome to the world. First I will set the scene:

It’s a Saturday evening, I’m at a good friend and fellow warlord of metal… the one who’s citadel I had to journey too in the saga of busdome , just to give you a geographical point of reference. Well a strict point of reference would be: Though the enchanted woods, past the eternal flame of inner peace which is next to the garden of thorn and bramble, up the hills of observation, past the astrologers tower (or squat building if you will), past the hill cart of cable, along the long and windy road with a left at the chuch of the sheep loving monk then up the St. of Jackson, Michel’s crescent shaped rd.

Anyway, I was at his place and we were musing on battle tactics, and listening to ManOwar…

Haha! Kidding, we listening to Meshuggah’s new album obZen.
Good album… maybe even post worthy.

Anyway, we were in a mood where we were attempting to re-create a state of mind had on Guyfawk’s night. I’m not going to go into details… Lets just say the Bats Hadn’t shown up yet and my good Groove-Metal Shogun friend said ‘You have to see this… if any metal band did this as a music video it would be awesome.’

What I didn’t realise was that not only would it be awesome, it would probably be such a condensed and saturated level of awesome it would become the heaviest element in the universe and punch a hole right through the space time continuum into a realm I like to call ‘Estonia’…because that shits heavy yo, and Estonia is a HEAVY name.

So he goes onto the mother of all inventions and summons to the crystal portal of LCD (Haha I made a pun… puns are not Metal, but I am…so I can get away with them) and brought us the Tube of You to show us… The Safety Dance!

Any video that has the following has, by right of all that is Awesome, to be FUCKING AWSOME!:
A guy wearing Pantaloons.
A Midget Jester with a Lute.
A Crazy woman who dances like she’s on coke.
A Maypole.
Happy Villages.
A Lot of Happy Villagers.
A Lot of Happy Villager marching in formation.
Hand actions that have nothing to do with the title of the song.
Hand actions that are toward the camera.
A really Happy dog.
A middle ages village that looks like its out of a Christmas special.
Historical inaccuracies.
A Giant Impossibly GREEN field which the midget almost drowns .
Chicken mask’s.
Punch and Judy.
People dancing EN mass.
The offending non-sensical hand gestures done while walking.
The realization that the hand gesture’s require a Yoga class to actually pull them off well.

Seriously, is that not the list of EVERYTHING that Blind Guardian would love to have in their music Vids? I mean throw in an elf and tone the lady on smack down and you practically have Lord of the Rings, minus a Gandalf smoking shit loads of pot on a door step… seriously you think that shit he does is magic, fuck off he was dropping shrooms man how else do you think someone can come up with a fire breathing goat beast made of magma and rock with flaming hair that orcs are afraid of… seriously you try coming up with something that fucked up while sober.

I mean all I could come up was the triple breasted man inserting vagina od death that was like three tit’s that turned into two legs that opened into the worlds biggest vagina that always had peoples legs hanging our from under it and salivated all the time…

That’s just lame.

Anyway keeping on track other wise Matt’s going to tell me I’m really tangential when I go over to his place at the weekend to watch Dr Wh… Uh… People getting decapitated… cough, and uh.. Metal Shit.

He he… suckers…

Ahem… yeah!
The Safety Dance.
Basically the moral of the story here is that if any metal band did that as a video concept or, better yet covered this master peace of the 1980’s it would be quite possibly a Metalocaliptic event. I’m not kidding you here, it would be mandatory for all people to think that it was the coolest video ever, unless by ruling of the great state of Vermont that you were allowed to hate on it.

Punishment for not bowing down to the awesome would be 40 turns around the may pole…

Followed by having to listen to that guy from Seinfeld who raged that black guy for being black and used the N word apologising for his actions…

Followed by a bludgeoning with a midget…

Followed by being forced to look into an imploding star as it eats the very fabric of space and time like the Master…

Followed by 20 min inside a room with Richard Simmons…

Where FINALY your eventual demise will be by the reverend GOD of awesome Rob Halford ripping your head off and eating your soul.

That’s how fucking serious I am people.
Not that I think many will resist the inerrant awesome of the safety dance METAL EDITION. Maybe a few thousand…and China…Maybe Texas too…possibly even the Ukraine and India…ant don’t forget the middle east…. So yeah not many.

The bands open for consideration of this MIGHT TASK are:
a) Iron Maiden: Because maiden are fucking awesome, and Bruce Dickinson is the fucking man, and used to wear pantaloons all the time anyway.
b) Meshuggah: because if that New Millennium Cyanide Christ video is ANYTHING to go by they don’t take themselves seriously. Plus Math Metal+80’s awesome… well you do the math.(FYI that was a Non-Intentional pun…just remember, only I can get away with em’)
c) Symphony X: for two good reasons, they would make it Uber EPIC and Michel Romeo sounds enough like Malmsteen for this to be THAT epic, but isn’t Malmsteen so therefore is safe from being molested.
d) Tool: because you know they would find a way to make uncomfortable and add like three minuets to the extended version.
e) Rush: I’m surprised they haven’t thought of this yet, I mean isn’t it up their alley with Tom Sawyer and all that.
f) Gojira: because the would find a way to make the midget in the field an environmental statement about global warming and the maypole a symbol of the earth unifying with enlightened man to create a better universe.
g) Rob Zombie: because… Because its Rob Zombie, if you have to ask go fuck yourself.

There are probably about five or maybe I dunno… ten bands that would be awesome at the act of awesome, and Phil Collins, but I need to get the important part out of the way… the bands that should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES GET NEAR THIS SONG.

a) Manowar are to oiled half naked man to get near this song, and not turn it into something about the true warriors of metal and their need to dance under the battle moon with a maypole before laying waste to the enemy. Your too gay go off and play with your catamites’.
b) Nightwish: NO!
c) Blind Guardian: Look you guys have molested or been molested… I’m no sure which, anyway, too much Tolkien to not want to fuck this masterpiece up!

If You have no idea of the awesome of which I speek :

Discuss, with the utter reverence it deserves.

Bring Back The Beef Cake!

Alien Versus predator is the biographical depiction of Chuck Norris’s first sexual experience.

Chuck Norris invented the caesarean section by round house kicking his way out of his mothers womb.

Chuck Norris and Mr T walked into a bar. It exploded because nothing can contain that much awesome.

Mr T pities the Fool. Chuck Norris kills him.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, hunting implies that there is a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble you win. Forever.

After the act of intercourse with Chuck Norris, women often find justice running down their inner thighs.

And finally my favourite:

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars; Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Now what the hell has this got to do with a blog about general awesomeness and Metal’s majesty (thank you David Drainman of Disturbed for wanting to put the majesty back into metal… funny though, though power metal had beaten you to it.)

Well let me tell you, other than wasting oh… about thirty seconds of your life which you will never get back, and also providing me with an opportunity to pad my own blog with awesome (what a bizarre concept!) It is all part of a cunningly constructed ploy!

The hard questions need to be answered people, and I’m not talking what Brittney cannot get her sham of a life back together and why her own evil paparazzi are looking after her and simultaneously destroying her, no I’m talking action here, im talking the awesome that is chick Norris… and what I wanna know is what the fuck happened to all the awesome?

See this has been bugging me ever since I got hooked up with a copy of the 400 facts about the worlds most awesome human (other than me and my cohorts… we will forgive Ian Spector because we are a private organisation that is designed to infiltrate quietly and not be seen. We have to combat the Legion of Doom somehow… all out war just blows, you only need to watch Babylon 5 to see that… ahem I mean Uh… Metal war films about… shit…

Platoon?

Anyway, back to the crux of the matter as it was pointed out to me in my infinite… sorry finite wisdom that my last post was very, very, very, very tangential…
Ha ha! That’s what you get boys and girls.
Anyway, to business. The issue I’m covering here is the action heros today.. or lack there of.

I mean Chuck Norris has a book about how awesome he is, Bruce Lee’s progeny Jacky Chan and jet Li are like fucking killing machines who have subtly dominated America infiltrating communism and the awesome killing power of tiger claw, Jean Claude Van Dame is fucking Belgium and Arnie is the god dam Guvonator…

If I was evading tax I would be fucking scared of anyone called the Guvonator… that just sounds like the start of a really short mpg clip on the net… ‘so I evaded tax in California’ and all it is, is thirty seconds of gunfire, screaming and the phrase ‘no one evades the GUVONATORS tax’.

Kids these days have no positive role models that can rip a mans heart out of his chest. I mean back when I was growing up, Chuck Norris was the man, and we would always play side kicks… course because I was the muscular warlord that I was at a young age I always had to be Van Dame… kids just don’t know where the hell Holland is… for fucks sake. Anyway I got to be the resurrected universal soldier… course when kids started to get a clue I had to then be Dolph Lundgren (Dolph’s the fucking man and you know it… anyone who looks like he’s an ex-Swedish body builder who could have done Gay porn just as easily as straight, but chose to be the ultimate killing machine with poorly practiced American accents is such a dude its not funny. That shits black metal AS) because Sweden is SO much closer to Holland than Belgium.

But my metal childhood aside, where are our Mr. T’s and Chuck Norris’s? I want to know! I mean when was the last time you saw a Vin Diesel fan club? Huh? Huh?!
I don’t see anyone writing ‘The 800 facts about Vin Diesel: The worlds greatest human’ I mean the action hero’s of today got no game… no longevity. I don’t see the kinds of today getting all awesomely actionstelgic about Vin Diesel… hell are there any other people who could be seen of as ‘action movie’ guys? As the Stranglers wrote in the late 80’s in their song ‘hero’s’ no more hero’s any more, no more hero’s…anymore. Too many would be action stars are going off and doing ‘sensitive rolls’ or even starting out in the wrong kind of film like that guy in snatch who went off to America to star in really crap action films.

I want Kurt Russell to make a come back man, I want another Sake Pliskin film. I wanna see Universal Soldier: Van Dame’s Revenge. Kids don’t want sensitivity… they want fucking blood and or guts. And sometimes bloodguts!

Chicks too!
Yeah they think they want the metro-sexual boyfriend, or the angsty gay vampire stereotype… but deep down you know they want the Norris… I mean his book confirms this. They just think they want that gay shit. Oh I hear someone calling me on this…
Yeah!
Well I wear moisturiser because I wear too much fucking corpse paint! Not because I’m a sissy, because Corpse paint is METAL.
And according to Maddox Metal is MANLYNESS’S sound track!
Where has the awesome gone people… where. When I have kids (assuming the U.N lifts that ban they have on me.) I want them to have a proper education… I’m talking the Terminator films, Side kicks, Walker Texas Ranger, Side Kicks, Crossroads, anything with Van Dame, the A-Team, dukes of Hazard, Rambo, Rocky and anything else I’ve missed that has people getting the SHIT kicked out of them.

You know this shit is in demand, I mean why else would there be all these come back films… Diehard 4.0, Rambo… again, and that Terminator film where all that shit got blown up. My money was on Wesley snipes it really was, till that fucker evaded tax in California (I rest my case about the Guvonator!) so we live in hope… and deep down we all know that women want some muscular freak who will rip their clothes of and ravage them… softly mind, and then be nice enough to pay for their taxi home. I say bring back the beef cake! That shits a REAL role model for young kids… none of this sensitive guy shit… I’m talking metal!

Too many sensitive guys and you end up with the ‘fab five’… I have no problem with man to man love, the Greeks did that shit… the Greeks were metal, but I’m talking sissy’s!

Sissy need to be killed in a fiery ball of testosterone fuled DEATH.

That’ll put a crimp in the Legions plan to make men SISSY so that taking things over will be easy…
BRING BACK THE BEEF CAKE!

Phil Collins

So I walked into the supermarket near my newest posting as an Office drone, ( I cant go into to many details but its all part of a secret plot to destroy the unbelievers… unbelievers of what I don’t know… but then it wouldn’t be a secret now would it? And if ANYONE even thinks of calling this a Jihad I will send Chuck Norris to your house and he will impregnate your wife…Donovan, your wife is now pregnant!) and as I’m browsing the organic Yogurt…

What?

Yeah I eat organic yogurt… power metal warlord and agent of the true awesomeness that is metal has to look after himself.

Oh you think its easy keeping up such an awesome physique? Well let me tell YOU buddy, this is power metal… there are certain requirements, such as awesomeness… and looking good, and a certain amount of femminity because that shit’s metal, POWER METAL! Its not all beer, KFC and Pussy like Kerry King would have you Believe, being power Metal is hard work and its not all about as being big as a small house with enough fat on you to insulate an Eskimos prefabricated government ‘I’m sorry, so sorry we colonised you’ house.

Digressions about the metalness of organic yogurt aside… jez next thing I know you will be having me up about not eating that much meat and doing yoga… HAY HAY, FUCK YOU ITS WORK TO BE THIS AWSOME!

So anyway I’m holding my Cyclops organic unsweetened unflavoured non-GE low fat yogurt in one hand, looking at the Spirulena rack thinking about how awesome Chuck Norris is and how righteous and 80’s my new pink pickup looks in my all black guitar and then some music filters through.

It takes my brain a couple seconds to process as it doesn’t have a galloping 16th note guitar riff (for those ignorant n00bs out there that’s like Run to The Hills by Madien) or something that runs like CHUG CHUG, WOOH, WOOH, CHUG, CHUG (See any riff by Zakk Wylde) but when it did, the awesome did flow.

Yeah people, Phil ‘Mother fucking’ Collins!

As a good friend of mine and Grove Metal pedalling Shogun friend of mine said to me in what can only be described as a moment of clarity (Dig the Death Reference!) while under heavy duress, Phil Collins and Genesis are easy listening metal.

I thought about this for more than just a few moments as I too was under duress, but it struck home… Fuck Yeah, Phil Collins is the man… more so than that Phil Collins is GOD man, and Chuck Norris is his son… and Stratovarius is their sound track/house band… More so now they have broken up (Braking up is SOO fucking metal… like you wouldn’t believe. I’m wicked bummed, I mean power metal would still sound like J Priest if these guys hadn’t released Visions… But hay, one day I too will have the awesome power that comes with breaking up my influential prog-instumental-shred-jazz fusion-power metal band. HA say that shit will drunk!).

Who else other than Phil Collins would be a drummer AND a vocalist, as well as being the prime mover and shaker (maybe convulser would be the best term, this is Prog… I mean you don’t mosh to Prog, you just kind of sway and then when the awesome power of Prog gets the get go it summons itself and then fucks your skull… hence the convulsing) he also penned some of the only descent music to come out of 80’s easy listening rock ever. And besides the only other two drummers I know of who sing and play drums are no where near as fucking cool as Phil ‘I’m Your Daddy’ Collins. You got the guy from the Eagles, now this would be cool except for some obvious deficiencies. For starters your not balding like Phil, quite obviously unlike Samson, Phil’s power is enhanced by his loss of hair. Second, you have facial hair, facial hair is only reserved for two kinds of people, Chuck Norris, and Posers who want to be Chuck Norris… and uh.. well My Dad, but My Dad’s awesome and so metal he’s Folk… which is Metal! Anyway, and third, and by far the most important… Your in the fucking eagles! Once upon a time I would have respected the edginess of your music, had I been born in like 1950 and was around to see you when you were not just doing fucking reunion tours, which further more detract from your awesomeness when the old dried up egg sucking couples that come to your concert with their fat bellies and their kids in high paid executive jobs wearing MATCHING TOUR TSHIRTS!

You don’t give up and start again because the moneys good, and all your fans got old, grew up and then maid money and you wanna peace of the action. FUCK NO!

You do what Maiden did… or does… you don’t fucking quit! You keep touring, keep getting old, keep writing songs that sound like maiden, keep being the blueprint for awesome!

Next up is that drummer from Spiderbait… you look like a fat trucker which would be cool if you were in a ball’s out rock band from Kentucky that tuned drop-D and did those turkey throat vocals and were all about ’bringin back the southern spirit’. But Your not… your from Australia… and you covered Black Betty… Let us move on!

So uh.. well it seems pertinent to conclude here with this statement, seeing as we have covered the veritable gamut of all things both awesome, metal, and Collins… Its good to be back people that’s all I’m saying… that and: Phil Collins is God, and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it!

Discuss.

Continuing the working draft of ways that Metal can save itself... from itself.

Back in light of spurious backlash from the Metal community. HAhahaha.

Cower in your faggot boots you weakling of the mind! I have come again from two days journey from the deep mountains of the mind abyssal to lay down upon the thy continuing wisdom of the almighty gods of the past aeon's.

In other words, i dont care how many people ive pissed of, you suck. So listen to me

31: Fusion. People, mix some shit together, it wont always work, but it will be better than the same old shit. Im talking shred jazz blues satanic gore-metal, or Technical-Progressive-Jazzinflected- Power Metal. Whatever!

32: Cleans are permissible.

32b: that covers Vocals, Guitar AND Bass!

33: Vocalists try at least a little to make your lyrics intelligible, I mean if i hear another Lord Worm I will find a bunch of kittens and punch all of them in the face. And if that makes YOU hot, i wish you a hell where your on a ladder over a pit full of hungry Ethiopian school children who WILL resort to cannibalism.

34: Less tattoo's. They dont make you look hard, and you will look so fucking lame when your that old bastard running that shit record store telling every new hopeful who tells you their going to be the next Metallica that you had a band that was going to be huge and that you 'gotta be hard to make it son' and then when they ask 'well why the fuck didnt you make it' you reply with 'well we didnt wanna sell out ya' see'. if Your that guy, fuck you. I hope you get a drug addiction and burn out like the Hindenburg.

35: Leave Metallica allone. For fucks sake, there is nothing you can say that is going to make shit any worse than the biggest joke in the world, that happens to be on them. Also, stop comparing people to them, its just not worth it any more. I mean kids these days think Black Album was like THE Metallica album, and the older guys who are all about Puppets hate the kids and... look fuck it its just a giant mess that we could have all avoided if people hadn't decided that Metallica WERE metal... their not, not any more let them continue to not grow old gracefully and just laugh when they try to produce a new album.

36: Leave Dime alone. He wasnt the savior of metal, he got shot, that sucks more horse cock than Osama but then again so did the last two Pantera albums... i'm not EVEN going to talk about that album that Damageplan did. I dont have words enough to express how obscenely bad that album was. Like St. Anger only... well yeah... nuf said.

Anyway Dime was an Ok guitar player, he wasn't awesome. His tone was SHIT so don't tell me it wasn't, and their harder than hard image, well all i'm going to say is LOOK AT THEIR FIRST ALBUM! THEY WERE WEARING SPANDEX AND HAD SONGS LIKE NOTHING ON BUT THE RADIO... seriously seriously GAY!

37: If you call your band HELLYEAH, tell me HELLYEAH is good or quote MuDvAyNe as an influence i will come to your house and i will TARE you SISTERS(or mother if you dont have one) head of and RAPE THEIR SKULL!... well ok maybe not, but if your sisters hot i will try and have sex with them... maybe even if they aren't hot... whatever.

38: EMG's do not sound that good and if anyone criticizes me on not liking the 'Metal Sound' you need to look at the relative obvious stupidity of getting the 'metal sound' in a set of FUCKING PICKUPS! You also need to think about why Jazz musicians like EMG's...

39: Zakk Wylde, while being the reason i picked up guitar in the first place, is (contrary to popular belief) a guy who is wicked over rated... more so No than back in the day. Ok, im not trying to shit on the guy too much because i like the dude but his soling does not set the fucking world on fire. Its pretty cron n00b styled Pentatonic bashing really, and his molesting of pinch harmonics is really boarder line. Long and the short is can we please start taking this dudes playing with a grain of salt. He is old now, and that's cool that hes still doing his thing, but stopping sometime soon may be a savior for him in peoples memories.

40: Be fucking careful with endorsement deals. Take the subject of 39... Zakk Wylde the Brand, not Zakk Wylde the Man... get my drift. Still if your playing tr00 to your roots then maybe having your name on everything you use isn't doing that.

41: Detuning is your friend, but should NOT be abused! drop G is for losers and a guitar tone thats muddier than a swamp. If you must be in a drone/doom metal band then for fucks sake dont tune lower than Bb.

This trains running out of steam as i run out of babies souls to eat and virgins body's to desecrate.

I'm packing it in for the night...

Stay tuned as i destroy your mind further with stupidity in rant form.